Think twice before making that call!

Cellphones have infiltrated every facet of our lives, butcellphone etiquette is still somewhat elusive. After all, isnt talking on your phone just like talking to someone whos right next to you? The short answer is no. Just think about hearing someone in a store negotiating with their kid in a one-sided conversation or folks on the subway navigating a breakupon speakerphone! Things can get weird fast, not to mention potentially dangerous.

“Cellphones can be unsafe distractionsmostly because theres a loss of situational awareness when you interact with your phone,” says Bob Otter, a retired fire department captain with 26 years of experience and the founder of CitizenAID. “The cellphone has single-handedly made our general public more vulnerable than at any time in history.

Talking on speakerphone in public is even worse, in terms of both etiquette and safety. Using your speakerphone can lead to those around you learning more about you than they ever wanted to,” notes Chris Hauk, a consumer-privacy expert at Pixel Privacy, “and if any bad actors are in the crowd around you, they may seize the opportunity to overhear your personal information.”

So where shouldnt you talk on your cellphone? We talked to safety, tech and etiquette experts to settle the debate once and for all.

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To get the skinny on the dining etiquette and tipping etiquette you should follow in these situations, we spoke to experienced etiquette experts. Keep reading to discover how to approach paying the bill in a manner that’s civil, polite and respectful to everyone involved, and to make sure you aren’t engaging in a polite habit restaurant staffers dislike.

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Paying a restaurant bill: Etiquette tips

There are a surprising number of situations you may find yourself in when you’re out at a restaurant, bar or coffee shop, and all require a certain amount of finesse when it comes to picking up the tab. By following proper paying-a-restaurant-bill etiquette, you can avoid being annoying in the following situations.

Out with friends

Meeting a few friends for a meal is likely a splitting-the-bill situation, says Lisa Mirza Grotts, a certified etiquette expert who’s been offering tips on etiquette rules for the past 23 years. “If there is no host, then it is assumed that everyone will split the bill unless one person offers to host,” she adds.

Say you have a weekly standing lunch date with a few girlfriends. Instead of splitting the bill every time, you could rotate who the “host” is and who picks up the tab.

A birthday meal

“The birthday girl or boy never pays, unless ahead of time they offered to host a party for themselves,” Grotts says, adding that it’s best to make a plan with other partygoersbefore the big eventregarding who is going to cover the birthday person’s meal or drinks, and how.

Since this may be a situation in which everyone is paying for themselves except for one person, it’s likely easiest to have one friend cover the guest of honor and then have the others pay them back later.

Out with your parents

No two families are alike, which is why one household may make proper table manners a priority, while another may turn dinner into a free-for-all. Likewise, when paying a restaurant bill, etiquette that works for your family dynamics may not work for another. Tricky as the situation may be, the key is to figure out what works for you and your parents.

In my family, if it’s a pre-planned dinner, my parents usually pay, though they appreciate that I still pull my credit card out every time. “My dad does the same,” says Grotts. “But we have a rule that when he comes to our house, we pay, and when we go to his house, he pays.” Once you’ve established these rules in your family, they’re easy to stick to.

Meeting for an interview

“If you are conducting an interview, and you extended the invitation, you are responsible for picking up the tab, regardless of what they order,” says Diane Gottsman, a national etiquette expert and owner of the Protocol School of Texas.

As an interviewee hoping to put your best foot forward, this is one less thing you need to worry about. You can save your strategizing for what to say in an interview.

A meal with colleagues

“If you are out with peers at a friendly lunch, everyone should pay for their own meal,” Gottsman says. “Likewise, if you are at a restaurant with equal-level colleagues and you are all ordering comparably, there is nothing wrong with splitting the tab.” Things change if one person starts to order high-priced cocktails or an expensive dish like a plate of oysters.

If someone does this, they shouldn’t expect their colleagues to cover it, explains Gottsmanwith equal-level colleagues or peers who are all pulling in roughly the same salary, that’s unfair.

A meeting or reunion

A friends or family reunion or a book club meeting may be handled differently than a casual meal out with friends, primarily because there will likely be a designated host or organizer. When it comes to paying the restaurant bill, etiquette typically dictates that the host pick up the tab. But Grotts says that hosts don’t necessarily need to pay, provided they communicate the situation ahead of time. “It’s important for the host or organizer to make this clear when the invitation is being sent out,” she explains.

Entertaining clients

This one is pretty straightforward. “The overall goal of a client meal is to build a relationship with the client,” says Gottsman. “If you extend the invitation, you pay, and you tip.”

But if the client protests, don’t put up too much of a fightthis is a polite habit most people dislike. “If the client insists on paying because they extended the invitation, you would not argue … simply say thank you,” Gottsman adds.

After-work drinks

When you’re at a bar and people are ordering drinks and food as they want them, it can feel like the Wild West. Should you wrangle the group into splitting the check or play lone cowboy and start your own tab?

“You can either start your own tab or know that you may be splitting the bill and the orders may be imbalanced,” says Gottsman. “It’s up to your personal comfort level as to whether or not you determine to ask for a separate check.”

If you’re not drinking alcohol or have dinner plans and you’re only staying for one sip, no one will bat an eye if you order separately or ask for your own check. But if you arrive and leave with a big group and you’re all drinking and sharing appetizers, splitting the bill or paying someone back with Venmo or Zelle may be the way to go. Just don’t ask the bartender to itemize a split billthat’s one habit bartenders really don’t like.

On a first date

“Whoever initiated the event should pay,” says Grotts. “So if a woman has asked a man out, she should pay, and vice versa.” This rule even covers online or app-based situations where two people may be chatting for a while before meeting in person. After all, someone has to propose the idea to get together.

On later dates

A second date is a good chance for the invited party on the first date to reciprocate, Grotts says. From there, it’s up to the couple to determine how they want to handle paying going forward.

One smart strategy: If you suggest a particularly pricey restaurant for a date early on in a relationshipespecially before you know much about the other person’s financesbe prepared to cover the tab. You don’t want to put them in an uncomfortable situation where they have to politely decline an invitation because you really wanted to eat lobster.

At a coffee shop or fast-casual restaurant

These days, plenty of people meet for romantic dates or friend meet-ups at coffee shops or fast-casual restaurants that require you to order and pay at the counter, which can create a bit of a gray area. “You can still have a date at a coffee shop and pay, even though the price might be less,” notes Grotts. “But if you’re not sure of how to handle this, one way to deal with it is to get to the coffee shop early and order your drink and be seated, which nonverbally says that the other person should also get theirs.”

On the flip side, if you want to pay, ask the other person what they would like to eat or drink while you are at the table, which implies you will then go up to the counter to place and pay for both orders. And while you’re ordering, be sure to avoid those so-called polite habits baristas really don’t like.

Paying a restaurant bill: Etiquette FAQs

Read on for answers to some of your more general questions about paying-a-restaurant-bill etiquette.

How do you politely ask who’s paying for dinner?

Everyone is thinking about it as soon as the dessert is cleared, so you might as well come out and say it. A simple “How are we handling the bill?” should suffice. And no, you shouldn’t make an Irish exit immediately after this conversation.

What is the etiquette for getting the bill?

You should ask for the bill at the end of a meal in the same manner as you’ve handled all your other interactions with your server: with patience and respect. You wouldn’t yell your order across a crowded restaurant, and that’s not the best way to ask for the check either.

That said, if you’re planning to pay for the whole group and want to skip this step entirely, you can. “Get to the restaurant early and give your credit card to the matre d’ ahead of time with instructions of how much to leave for a tip,” suggests Grotts. “That way, there will be no argument when the bill comes.”

Is it rude to ask for separate checks at a restaurant?

Never! But there is a polite way to do it. “When it comes to splitting the bill, there’s nothing wrong with letting the server know at the beginning of the meal that you would like separate checks,” Gottsman says. This way, the server can enter the items into the system accordingly, which will make it easier to produce separate checks at the end of the meal. If you wait until the meal is over to mention separate checks, the process is much more complicated and time-consuming for your server.

How do you split the bill in dining etiquette?

If you’re planning to go Dutch on the bill, these general rules are helpful to follow.

When someone isn’t drinking

If the majority of your party is drinking alcohol and only one or two people are not, they shouldn’t be expected to pay an equal share to cover their friends’ cocktails, says Gottsman.

When someone’s meal is much cheaper than the others

The advice for this one is a little foggy, and it comes down to why you’re ordering a cheaper meal. If you just really feel like a salad though everyone else is ordering a steak dinner, you may need to accept that you’re splitting the bill evenly. But if your reasons are financial, it may be worth mentioning to the server and to the rest of your party at the start of the meal that you are trying to save money so you’re going to get your own bill.

How to tip on a split bill

Tipping etiquette doesn’t offer hard-and-fast rulesexcept this one: You need to tip on your portion of the restaurant bill.

“When you split a bill, everyone tips on their own portion of the bill, and different people may tip differently,” says Gottsman. “You can certainly suggest that you all tip a certain amount or ask what others are tipping, but you want to be fair and make sure you’re tipping [at least] 20%.”

How to split the bill

Asking for individual checks is fine, as long as you tell your server at the start of the meal. Ditto for splitting the bill just two or even three ways.

But avoid overcomplicating the matter. Let’s say you’re dining with seven people, five of whom want individual checks and two who want just one check. That’s going to get a lot more complicated for your server. Try to keep it as simple as possible.

Should a man always pay for dinner?

Not anymore. Free yourself from following outdated etiquette rules on dates. These days, the person who asks the other one out should be the one to pay, says Grotts.

About the experts

• Lisa Mirza Grotts is a certified etiquette professional and public speaker with 23 years of experience helping people navigate social situations with confidence and poise. She is a past member of the International Society of Protocol and Etiquette Professionals and the author of A Traveler’s Passport to Etiquette.
• Diane Gottsman is an internationally renowned etiquette expert, speaker and owner of the Protocol School of Texas, a company that specializes in professional etiquette training. She has a master’s degree in human behavior and is the author of Modern Etiquette for a Better Life.

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The post Who Picks Up the Tab? Here’s How to Handle the Restaurant Bill in 11 Situations appeared first on Reader's Digest.

“Gift giving can be tricky, especially when it comes to weddings,” agrees Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach. To take the stress out of finding the perfect presentor notfollow these expert-approved rules.

1. Consider your relationship to the couple

Gift giving takes thought and care, says Nikki Sawhney, director and founder of the New England School of Protocol. “Be mindful of what and who the gift is for,” she says. “Wedding gifts are given based on your relationship with the bride and groom.” If you are close to the couple, you might want to get them something more personal, such as monogrammed towels or bedding, adds Whitmore.

2. If a couple has a registry, use it

A couple takes the time to pick out exactly what they want from a store to help take the guesswork out of wedding gift confusion for their guests, says Sawhney. Is the registry picked over? Send the couple a gift card to the same store, since they obviously like it. Popular registries include department stores and housewares and home decor retailers, as well as home-improvement stores.

3. Spend what you can afford

While a recent Bankrate.com survey found that most guests plan to spend an average of $180 per wedding present, you should always gift what falls comfortably within your budget. “Who says you have to spend big? Don’t get hung up on dollar amount,” says Whitmore. The golden rule of gift giving still applies to weddingsit’s the thought that counts. Case in point: One of my most cherished gifts from my wedding is a handmade quilt from my aunt. It didn’t cost a lot, but my husband and I still snuggle under it on our sofa and always think of her.

4. Budget for other wedding-related events

Are you invited to an engagement party, bridal shower and the wedding? Create a budget and prioritize the gift based on what you think is most important, says Sawhney. “The 20-20-60 rule suggests that you spend 20% of your budget on the engagement gift, 20% on the bridal shower and 60% on the wedding gift,” she says.

5. Remember other related expenses

According to the same Bankrate.com survey, wedding attendance costs are adding up: In 2023, guests plan to spend an average of $611 per wedding, including the gift, travel-related expenses and attire. If you are in the bridal party and have already reached your gift-giving threshold because you contributed toward other expenses, such as hosting a bachelorette party or buying a bridesmaid dress or groomsmen suit, then you can give a small token gift for the ceremony. “You don’t have to break the bank or take out a loan to buy the bride and groom a gift,” says Sawhney. If you find your budget is close to being tapped out, it can be helpful to set real expectations up front with the bride and groom in an honest, polite and respectful manner.

6. Send a wedding gift ahead of time

While you should bring a shower gift to the actual shower, it’s easier for the couple if you send a wedding gift to their home. Think you’ve got up to a year to send a gift? “While that was the rule for years, it’s now considered proper etiquette to send a wedding gift before the wedding or within three months of the couple getting married,” says Whitmore. Why the change? The world moves faster than ever now, and online shopping and overnight or two-day shipping are now fairly standard. Plus, you dont want to risk running into the couple six months after the wedding and they wonder why you never acknowledged their wedding, she explains. Make sure you have it gift-wrapped and include a cardand a gift receipt if possible. “Don’t rush through it or just scribble your name on the card. Take your time and put in some care and effort,” says Sawhney. Not sure what to say? Take inspiration from these lovely wedding wishes.

7. Consider the couple’s lifestyle

If the couple doesn’t have a registry, finding the perfect gift make take a bit of detective work. If you don’t know them well, ask their friends or family what they might like, or scroll through their social media feeds. Does the couple love to travel? Perhaps a gift card to their favorite hotel, airline or luggage company might be appreciated. Are they homebodies? Bedding or home decor might be perfect for them. Are they foodies? A gift card to their favorite restaurant or bottle of wine might be a treat.

8. Fund the honeymoon

That said, many brides and grooms today also have a dedicated website where you can find out more detailed information about their wedding, including gift options. “Often, the couple will list a preference on receiving cash or contributing to a fund that will help pay for their honeymoon or a down payment on a home,” Sawhney says. Some couples even suggest a contribution to a charity of their choice in lieu of a gift.

9. Send something even if you don’t go

“If you cannot attend a wedding, it is not a requirement that you send a gift,” says Sawhney, “however, it is a nice gesture, especially if you are close to the couple.” Choose a token gift of nominal value from their registry or for their new home. “Pretty photo frames to show off their wedding photos are always a good option,” says Whitmore. At the very least, send a card of heartfelt congratulations. As for my own dilemma, I sent my far-away friend a gift card to Williams-Sonoma (where she had registered). I placed it in a pretty wedding-themed box and mailed it off with a clear conscience and joy that my old pal found love.

10. Cash is still king

“Many couples today prefer cash,” says Sawhney. While it’s common to bring a card with cash or a check to the wedding, consider popping it in the mail ahead of the wedding day. “A box of envelopes full of cash at the reception can be a disaster waiting if it gets misplaced,” warns Whitmore. Prefer to write a check? If you’re not sure who to make it out to, it’s best to use just one name so it’s easier to cash. (Tip: Use the bride’s maiden name, because it can take a few weeks for any name changes to become official.) Then write a memo on the check and be sure to address both people on the card and envelope. With your gift safely sent ahead of the big day, you’ll be able to focus on what really counts at the weddingcelebrating with the happy couple.

About the experts

• Jacqueline Whitmore is an international etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach. A member of the Association of Image Consultants International (AICI), as well as the Protocol Diplomacy International Protocol Officer’s Association (PDI-POA), Whitmore is also the bestselling author of Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work and Poised for Success.
• Nikki Sawhney is the founder and director of the New England School of Protocol. Sawhney is a graduate of the American School of Protocol in Atlanta, where she earned a certification in corporate, business and children’s etiquette. She has also trained under William Hanson, a British etiquette expert and tutor for the international protocol and hospitality consultancy firm The English Manner.

Source:

• Bankrate.com: “Survey: Americans can expect to spend over $600 to attend a wedding in 2023”

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While you may think that what happens in private doesn’t matter as much as in public, your habits set an example for others to follow, particularly if you have children, who soak up and emulate what they see every day. Add dinner-party etiquette and restaurant manners to the mix, and the stakes may be even higher. “There’s a reason that second interviews are routinely conducted over a meal,” says Gottsman. “The recruiter wants to observe the applicant’s social skills and determine if they have the ability to behave appropriately in front of their best clients. The way we behave at the table is similar to how we behave in life. Taking the time to fine-tune those skills is a sign of someone who wants to excel in other areas as well.”

Follow the tips below, and you may find yourself at the top of the hiring (and parenting!) list, not to mention being that person others love to be around.

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Etiquette before eating

Table manners start long before you ever get to the table. “Planning takes effort,” says Gottsman, “and arriving on time means you won’t make other guests or the host wait for you.” To guarantee you’re on schedule for a dinner party or restaurant reservation, be sure to take into account everything from weather, directions and traffic (or potential train delays) to construction detours and the level of your gas tank.

Put away your cell phone

Once GPS has safely (and promptly!) delivered you to your destination, it’s time to put your cell phone away. “When you are constantly checking your phone at the table, it sends the message that what you are doing is more important than the person sitting across from you,” says Gottsman, who acknowledges that life sometimes necessitates staying in touch. For example, maybe you’ve left your child with a babysitter, or you’re a physician who’s on call. In those instances, she advises keeping your phone accessible, on vibrate and out of sight.

Don’t move the name cards

It takes time (and, sometimes, a few headaches) to carefully orchestrate a seating plan, so keep that in mind the next time you’re tempted to shift things around when you get to the table. “Don’t switch place cards so you are seated next to your BFF or your date,” says Gottsman. “The host has planned the personalities they want seated next to each other, and a good guest will oblige accordingly.”

Wait to eat

Whether you’re eating in a restaurant or private home, proper table etiquette dictates that you let the host “lead the show.” Which means leaving the entire place setting intact until your host arrives at the table. (No nibbling on the bread or even taking sips of water!) Instead, wait for them to propose the welcome toast and/or be seated and start eating/drinking/lifting the napkin themselves.

Who is the host in a restaurant setting? If you’re with a group of peers, it’s not whomever did the suggesting and/or inviting; in that case, you’d likely be splitting the bill. Generally speaking, the wording on an invite, even an informal one, will be a good indicator if someone will be “hosting” a get-together like this. It might say something like, Id like to invite you to join us at or Id like you to be our guest at …

Napkin etiquette

And speaking of napkins, handling one signals that it’s time to get down to the business of eating, so follow your host for cues that it’s go-time. “Napkins should stay on the table until the host begins the start of the meal by taking theirs from the table first,” advises Gottsman. If you really want to play the game right, a luncheon napkin is opened and placed across your lap, while a dinner napkin is folded in half and then placed.

You might not think anyone will notice that under-the-table detail, but people will notice (and likely frown upon) tucking said napkin into your shirt when messy foodlike lobster or a plate of ribsarrives at the table. Unless a special bib is offered and the setting is casual (i.e., backyard BBQ or fish shack), leave your napkin in your lap, eat carefully and hope for the best.

Need to get up to use the restroom? Deposit your napkin on the seat of your chair, not on the table. The latter is only OK at the end of the meal ands signifies that you’re done eating.

Beverage etiquette

The wine’s being poured, and you’re first served. That doesn’t mean you should start drinking. It’s always polite to wait until all the glasses have been filled. And if there’s a host, even consider holding off until they raise their glass for a toast or take their own initial sip. (When it comes to champagne at a wedding, there’s additional wedding etiquette to follow, of course.)

When you do pick up the glass, Gottsman advises holding wine glasses by the stem, and glasses filled with water or soda securely by the bottom (not the rim). And if you’d like to skip alcohol completely, just place your hand over your glass when wine is offered. Never turn the glass upside down; it’s considered bad table manners.

When to start eating

That whole eat-while-it’s-hot thing is a serious no-no in all but the most casual, backyard BBQtype settings. Whether you have a cold salad on your plate or a sizzling steak, it’s important to take the first bite only after everyone at the table has been served. And even then, if you’re at a dinner party, wait for your host to pick up their utensils before you dig in. (The one exception to this rule: at a buffet, where it’s OK to start eating once there are others seated at your table.) This is also something to keep in mind when you’re the one hosting a party so you don’t accidentally keep everyone waiting.

Dining etiquette

It’s time to revisit those childhood elbows-off-the-table nudges (your parents were right!), along with a few extra reminders that will help you feel confident and comfortable in any public dining situation. “There is very little difference between formal and informal dining,” says Gottsman. “The rules are the samewhat changes is the number of utensils, and that’s based on the courses served. Paper napkins and plastic utensils are all used and held exactly the same way.”

How to pass food

Food and condiments should be passed around the table counterclockwise. Not interested in those Brussels sprouts that just landed in your hands? Simply continue moving the dish around the table.

Conversely, if a neighbor wants a dish that’s out of reach and you’re in the passing zone, resist the urge to take some for yourself before handing it over. Instead, ask for it back after your neighbor has helped themselves.

As for salt and pepper, they’re considered a team and should always be passed as a set. Yes, even if only the salt has been requested.

How to rest your utensils

Not done eating but taking a break? Rest your silverware Continental styleit’s the most widely understood. Simply place your knife and fork in the center of your plate, slightly angled in an inverted V shape (the tip of the knife and fork tines point toward each other). This is also something to keep in mind when it comes to restaurant etiquette.

More food for thought

• Keep elbows off the table.
• Don’t chew with your mouth open.
• Cut one small bite of food at a time.
• Break off and butter a small piece of bread, rather than slathering the whole roll.
• Spoon soup away from your body. When you spoon away, the spill drops into the bowl and not on your shirt.
• Hold elbows close to your body when cutting food to avoid crowding neighbors.
• Do not hold bread, drink liquid and chew. Keep it to one action at a time.
• Be mindful of potentially “explosive” cherry tomatoes and other similar foods.
• Cough and sneeze into your left shoulder, covering your mouth with your left hand in a gentle fist. (Use your left hand to keep your right hand free for a goodbye shake.) Never use a napkin; otherwise, you’d be using the same napkin to wipe your mouth and hands.

Restaurant etiquette

Unlike dining in a private home, eating out can present unique table etiquette conundrums, especially because you’re at the mercy of waitstaff, menus and restaurant logistics. These tips will help you navigate the trickiest situations.

• In a more formal setting, the person who invites pays. When in doubt, offer to foot the bill, and allow the other person to decline.
• Two friends going out to lunch should split the bill.
• To avoid awkward moments when you’re out to dinner with a group, ask for separate checks when you place your order.
• If you want to pick up the whole tab, discreetly let the server know in advance.
• If you’re the first to arrive, wait for your host before being seated.
• A host should allow a guest to order first, but give subtle hints if there are price-limit concerns. (For example, “That steak looks delish!”)
• Even better, avoid booking restaurants that are out of your financial comfort zone.
• Try to order the same number of courses as your companions.
• Tip well: 15% minimum, 20% average and 25%-plus for exemplary service.
• Be polite to the waitstaff no matter what their demeanor. It only shines well on you.
• When finished eating, place your silverware in the “done” positionknife and fork parallel to each other on the right side of the plate, facing diagonally upward and to the left.

Etiquette after eating

Table manners don’t stop just because the meal is over. These follow-up rules will be the icing on the proverbial cake.

• Place your silverware in the “done” position (see rule, above) and your napkin on the tablenever on the dirty plate. Remember: Someone has to pick up that napkin!
• At a dinner party, don’t jump the gun and start clearing the table before the host has made the first move.
• Always offer to help, and allow your host to either accept or decline.
• You may refresh your lipstick at the table, but leave it at that. It isn’t appropriate to apply other makeup, floss or pick your teeth.
• Don’t overstay your welcome.
• Be sure to send a thank-you note or, at the very least, a thank-you email or text. (While it’s not mandatory to send an actual note card, handwritten still trumps technology.) If someone pays for the bill for an informal lunch or dinner, a verbal thank-you will suffice.

Manners FAQ

In addition to proper table manners, there are a few other things you might have questions about and should keep in mind.

Should I bring a hostess gift when I’ve been invited to a home?

Yes, but avoid fresh flowers that require immediate arranging and cutting. It’s a nuisance for a busy host. Chocolates, candles, wine or cute napkins are all preferable.

Is it OK to bring a gift of food for the meal?

Only when it’s given the green light by your host ahead of time. (And it’s best to ask what dish would be most helpful. Salad? Dessert? Appetizer?)

How do I let people know I want to make a toast?

Get the table’s attention by standing and raising a glass. No clinking with a fork.

How can I figure out the dress code?

If you’re being invited to someone’s home, ask the host. At a restaurant, go online and look at photos of the venue for clues. It’s always better to be slightly overdressed than underdressed, as it shows respect for your hosts and the event. Wondering about other types of events? Here’s what you need to know about wedding-guest attire and business-casual meetings.

When do I let people know about my dietary restriction?

The sooner, the better. Alerting your host to a food allergy or other issue (like, if you’re vegan) well before the event allows them time to make a menu change without frantic, last-minute prep. And call a restaurant ahead of time to make sure they can accommodate your request as well.

About the expert

• Diane Gottsman is an internationally renowned etiquette expert, author and speaker, as well as the owner of The Protocol School of Texas, a company specializing in professional etiquette training.

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Today, sushi is nearly as common as pizza, and trying it is as easy as picking up a basic roll while shopping at a mall or some of the nicer grocery stores in the United States. For something in the middle, there’s always the casual experience of a conveyor-belt sushi restaurant, a low-key budget sushi joint or a pan-Asian buffet.

But no matter where you choose to buy or eat your sushi, it’s important to practice good table manners and acknowledge etiquette rules when partaking in cuisine that is so vital to a specific culture. Basics include knowing how to eat with chopsticks but can extend to specifics like how to eat Japanese food in general. We asked three sushi and Japanese-food experts to explain the rightand bestways to enjoy this food. Here are their tips for how to eat sushi like a pro.

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How to eat sushi

Many Americans approach eating sushi with reverence, but according to chef Masatomo “Masa” Hamaya of O-Ku, you don’t have to. “There really isn’t any proper ‘ritual’ to follow once the hands are clean,” he says. “Sushi was originally ‘fast food’ that began as finger food, so it’s actually perfectly acceptable to eat it with your hands and not even use chopsticks, except for sashimi.”

But it’s far from a free-for-all. And when presented with a smorgasbordor better yet, a boatfulof sushi, it’s hard to know where to start, even as early on as crafting that spread. Order and balance are important to Japanese culture, hence the subtle rules for eating the cuisine. In The Complete Guide to Sushi & Sashimi, for instance, authors Jeffrey Elliot and Robby Cook advise starting with lighter fish, like whitefish, and making your way to the richer, more oily types.

Of course, there’s more to eating sushi than food facts like these, with steps that need to happen both before and after your first bite.

1. Clean your hands

At any sushi restaurant, once you’re seated, you’ll receive a damp towel or individually wrapped single-use moist towelette, both of which are for cleaning your hands.

“This is part of omotenashi, the Japanese term for hospitality that emphasizes looking after your guests wholeheartedly,” says Hamaya. Funnily enough, the tradition of wiping your hands before a meal started with customers wiping their hands on the noren, the room-dividing curtains common in Japanese design. “The dirtier the noren, the better,” he says, “because it signaled the popularity of the restaurant and therefore the high quality of the sushi.”

2. Set the towelette aside

After you use the towelette, it is polite to fold it back up and place it on the tray it was presented ondon’t dump it in a pile. In fact, customarily, “the oshibori [hot towel] should be set tableside nicely folded at all times, similar to placing a napkin on your lap,” says Sachi Nakato Takahara, the third-generation owner of Atlanta’s oldest Japanese restaurant, Nakato. In the United States, however, it’s common for the server to take it away after you use it.

3. Set up your chopsticks

Just as learning how to eat sushi goes beyond the basics of ordering, understanding how to use chopsticks is also more than technical direction. If the sushi restaurant uses disposable chopsticks (waribashi), it’s appropriate to take them out of their packaging and split them apart in preparation for eating. But avoid immediately rubbing them together.

There’s a good reason to avoid that etiquette faux pas. “It implies the restaurant has provided cheap chopsticks,” says Hamaya. “Good-quality chopsticks will not splinter.” Because some diners consider chopsticks that splinter a sign of a bad restaurant, taking an action that implies you’re trying to avoid splinters also implies the restaurant may not be tops.

“If you’re going to a really high-end omakase, they’ve picked out really nice chopsticks,” says chef Leonard Yu of Omakase Table, noting that they’re usually the flatware-level, non-disposable variety. “So you’ll never need to rub them.”

And speaking of chopsticks, be mindful of where you place them. At high-end sushi restaurants, Yu says, “there’s always a chopstick holderuse that!” Not sure what to look for? The holder is typically positioned parallel to the counter above your plate, as this is how to set a table for sushi.

4. Fill your sauce dish

Pour some soy sauce into your dipping dishand soy sauce only. A common mistake many make when it comes to how to eat sushi is mixing soy sauce with wasabi. “Mixing it creates a wasabi mud; it becomes just wasabi with some fish texture. [It] easily overpowers the sushi, and then all you taste is the wasabi,” Yu warns.

5. Prepare to enjoy

“Traditionally, the sashimi course is served before nigiri and sushi rolls,” Nakato Takahara shares. “Any noodle or rice dish, including sushi, is usually a ‘filler’ after the chef or guests order several other lighter dishes first.”

No matter what type of sushi you’re eating, though, our experts unanimously agree that how to eat sushi is in one bite. “Sushi was intended to be a finger food,” Hamaya says, “so yes, it’s supposed to be eaten whole. It’s not meant to be cut or made smaller.” Leave those little nibbles for times when you’re eating soup dumplings!

6. Dip into soy sauce or top with wasabi but only if the sushi calls for it

A common misconception about how to eat sushi is that all sushi must be dipped into soy sauce. But that’s simply not true. It can even be considered insulting for a guest to immediately do so, similar to salting a meal at a restaurant before tasting it.

“If you eat in an omakase restaurant, the chef always brushes the sushi with soy sauce, so it’s perfectyou don’t need to dip,” explains Yu. “And we will put the right amount of wasabi or adjust to the customer to keep the balance. If there’s more rice or the fish is fattier, there’s more wasabi.”

Hamaya agrees. “Chefs may have preferences for what dish pairs best with wasabi or soy sauce, and they usually perfect the balance of ingredients before it arrives at your seat. To get the most authentic experience, you should speak with the chef or restaurant staff and allow them to guide your meal.”

7. Cleanse your palate

You may have seen diners layering a slice of pickled ginger on their sushi, but that’s not proper etiquette. “Ginger is served as a palate cleanser between dishes and isn’t actually meant to be eaten with your sushi,” Hamaya tells us. “If a chef wants to incorporate ginger into the dish, they will include it in the preparation.”

Nakato Takahara is adamantly opposed to the use of ginger as a sushi topper, and she’s not the only one. “I have asked people to please not do this,” says Yu with a laugh. “The ginger is really good, and the sushi is really good, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be good together! In fact, it’s kind of a wastethe ginger will overpower it.”

8. Reset your sauce dish

This step is optional, depending on the level of formality of the sushi restaurant you’re dining in. “In formal Japanese dining, they’ll bring out a separate soy sauce dish before the sushi course to switch in between [other lighter dishes],” says Nakato Takahara. This keeps your umami-rich soy sauce fresh and undiluted or compromised by pieces of food that may have fallen in during an earlier course.

9. Tidy up your space

“You want to keep your food on the plate and avoid making a mess on the table,” Yu says matter of factly. After that, you might want to straighten up as you end the meal. Did you use disposable chopsticks? It’s polite to put them back in their packaging and fold it closed.

Bear in mind that stacking dishes can be one of those things restaurant staffers dislike and is often considered a rude restaurant habit.

10. Thank the chef

“If you eat at a sushi bar, thank the chef and say it was a wonderful meal, even if it wasn’t,” advises Yu. The insincere praise might be among the polite habits most people dislike, but during an experience as intimate as omakase or dining at a sushi bar, where the chef is literally serving you, it’s just a matter of etiquette to convey gratitude for their service. Whether or not the meal was the best ever, they still put in the work.

FAQs about eating sushi

Whether it’s your first time eating sushi or your hundredth, it’s not uncommon to still have questions about the best or most polite ways to do so. People are often uncertain about what to do with side items, whether it’s impolite to stuff their mouth with a full piece of sushi, where to place their chopsticks and what rules apply to special dining situations, like omakase or conveyor belt sushi restaurants. Our experts weigh in below.

Is it rude to use your towel to clean your face?

While the provided hot towel or moist towelette is primarily for cleaning hands, you don’t have to stop there. “It is not impolite to clean your face; it’s totally fine,” Yu assures us, particularly in cities where people may have walked to the sushi restaurant. Whether it’s a warm or cold towel depends on the weather, he adds.

Are you supposed to eat the whole piece of sushi?

Yes, yes and yes our experts chorused. “Most items presented by the chef are designed to be [eaten in] one bite. Nigiri sushi is ideally one-bite size,” Nakato Takahara says.

Taking giant bites of your meal may be one of those habits dinner party hosts dislike, but if you’re eating sushi, that’s not the case. There’s a really good reason to avoid eating sushi in multiple bites, no matter how tempting the prospect. And that’s the mess.

“The biggest mistake I often see here: Say they have one bite, and the sushi’s really good. So the next, they want to enjoy it in two bites,” Yu says. The better to extend the experience, right? Er, not exactly. “When they try to bite the sushi, it becomes unbalanced,” he continues. “Maybe they don’t get what’s in the middle, or there’s not enough wasabi or soy sauce in one of the bites.”

The exception comes down to size. “For something like a hand roll or an item you cannot eat in one bite, the restaurant will provide a sharing or resting plate to use,” Nakato Takahara notes. “Ideally, you finish this before you move onto another dish, though.”

The benefit, then, to something like a sushi counter or omakase service is that the chef can adjust to the customer. “If I’m making nigiri and they look like they’re getting really full and like they wouldn’t like to have such a big bite, I’ll make them a smaller one,” says Yu.

What are some basics of Japanese chopstick etiquette?

You already learned that rubbing disposable chopsticks together is a no-no, but another tip from the pros is to make sure your chopsticks have something to rest on. If you don’t have a chopsticks holder, you shouldn’t place them on the table. Instead, fashion the chopsticks’ wrapper into a holder, and don’t forget to dispose of them in it after the meal.

When you’re not using them, move the chopsticks to their holder, and try not to fuss with the table setting. “Do not use your chopsticks as a bridge between a plate and the counter or tabletop,” says Nakato Takahara. This is called watashi bashi in Japanese culture and is considered bad manners.

You also don’t want to hover your chopsticks over the communal sushi platter, serve others with your personal chopsticks or touch pieces you do not intend on taking, all of which can compromise hygiene.

On a symbolic level, avoid passing items from one pair of chopsticks to another or setting chopsticks down crossed or stuck upright into anything, including a bowl of rice. While some rules for using chopsticks are exclusive to certain cultures, crossing or standing chopsticks straight up is nearly always taboo.

Why shouldn’t I mix my wasabi and soy sauce?

“Most Japanese fish have a delicate flavor profile, and nuances should be enjoyed according to fish type, so I do not encourage heavy soy sauce and wasabi dipping,” Nakato Takahara says.

Besides, the wasabi that’s taking over your palate likely isn’t real wasabi at all. “Real wasabi is so expensive, it can be the most costly item on your plate! But powdered wasabi, which is common, is very cheap, so don’t worry about not using it all,” confides Yu.

Do you always use the soy sauce?

The answer is a hard noyour usage of added soy sauce should always depend on the chef. “When the chef tells you it’s already sauced or if you see the chef brushing on any sauces or topping the dish, it should be enjoyed exactly as is,” Nakato Takahara says. This is doubly true for omakase experiences.

Yu offers a general rule of thumb: “Look at the price point, and that will usually tell you if it’s seasoned. If it’s, like, $100 for two, it’s usually not seasoned, but the more expensive places will likely already have soy sauce on it. If there’s soy sauce and wasabi provided on the side, it’s likely not seasoned.”

What is the right way to dip sushi into soy sauce?

With a light hand! “Do not overwhelm the food with soy sauce by pouring it over the dish,” says Nakato Takahara. “Always use the soy sauce dish to dip lightly and only on the fish, if possible.”

Yu agrees. “Dip it only on the fish side, not the rice side, to reduce the chances of it falling apart.”

Dipping the fish instead of the rice can also help you avoid overdoing it on the soy sauce. “Rice can easily absorb soy sauce, and too much can ruin the dish,” Hamaya adds.

How should you handle tipping?

Regardless of whether you’re at a table or at the sushi bar being served directly by the chef, you should always tip as you would any other type of dine-in restaurant. So exactly how much should you tip?

“Every establishment may have their own protocol, but from my experience, it’s usually pooled based on a point or percentage system,” says Jenna Phravorachit, the general manager of Omakase Table. “Although not always required, it would be ideal to tip at least 20%, since it’s usually split among the chef, servers and any server support staff. If you felt service was exceptional, you can tip chefs or service on top individually. It’s always appreciated but not necessary.”

For to-go sushi orders, the rules are not quite as clear, as to-go tipping etiquette is still evolving. If it’s delivered, be sure to tip your driver. But if you’re picking it up yourself, tip as you normally would (or wouldn’t) for other types of cuisine.

What is the polite way to partake in an omakase-style meal?

It’s important to understand that when you dine at an omakase restaurant, your entire meal is at the chef’s discretion. “You’re giving the chef free rein on whatever they would like to present to you,” explains Nakato Takahara. “The chef will usually ask if there are any allergies, but if you have a lot of likes and dislikes, I would not recommend an omakase experience, since it can hinder the chef’s creativity.”

The most important etiquette rule you can follow during this dining experience? “Do not go back and ask for substitutions or tell them [partway through] if you have food aversions,” she says. Midway through the meal is not the time to practice saying no, however polite you may think you’re being.

Hamaya backs this up. “It would be rude to give any sort of suggestions or make specific requests,” he says. “Instead, trust the chef and leave it up to them.” Think of omakase as chefs taking you on the very flavor journey they thoughtfully intended.

As for other pieces of advice, Yu suggests eating as soon as your food arrives. “Always try to eat it in one bite and as soon as possiblethe minute the chef places the food on your platebecause temperature really matters,” he says. “And plan ahead for it. In omakase, it’s disrespectful to the chef to take courses to go.”

When he personally dines this way, Yu says he always finishes the meal because “I don’t want to disrespect the chef, who’s been there since 8 a.m. prepping, perfecting his craft and tailoring the menu. Go in prepared and schedule properly, check the amount of courses and go hungry!”

What’s the proper etiquette for eating at a conveyor belt sushi restaurant?

One of the most casualand trendy and fun!ways to enjoy sushi is at a conveyor belt sushi restaurant. There, anything goes, Nakato Takahara says.

At conveyor belt sushi restaurants across the country, you can sit down, pick up whatever you like, eat and then let the restaurant tabulate your bill at the meal’s end. “No judgment there!” assures Yu.

About the experts

• Masatomo “Masa” Hamaya has served as head sushi chef at the critically acclaimed Uchiko in Austin, executive chef at Ozumo and executive sous chef at Michelin-starred Ame, after attending Arizona State University and culinary school in his native Tokyo. He is currently the executive chef of Atlanta’s O-Ku, known for its fresh and innovative take on traditional Japanese sushi and cuisine.
• Sachi Nakato Takahara is the third-generation owner of Nakato Restaurant, Atlanta’s oldest Japanese dining establishment. She mastered every aspect of the restaurant before becoming general manager and assuming leadership of this city stalwart.
• Leonard Yu is classically trained in the culinary arts but found his passion in sushi. As the chef at Omakase Table in Atlanta, he challenges himself in pursuit of technical perfection with every 20-course dining service, integrating techniques from Edomae-style sushi with selections of sushi and nigiri made from a proprietary blend of sushi rice and fish sourced from Tokyo’s Toyosu Fish Market.
• Jenna Phravorachit is the general manager of Omakase Table in Atlanta.

Sources:

• Match: “Singles in America”
• The Complete Guide to Sushi & Sashimi by Jeffrey Elliot and Robby Cook

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Best friends Sydney L. and Marie M., both 27, met in a church group and hung out or talked nearly every day for a year, sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings. And then one day, Marie says, “Sydney just stopped replying to my calls and messages with no warning or explanation at all. She ghosted me.” It’s an all-too-familiar experience, but what is ghosting, exactly? And more important, why is it so hurtful?

Ghostingthe practice of ending all communication with someone without giving an explanationcan happen in any type of relationship, including between romantic partners, friends, co-workers and family. And it’s more common than you may think. In a 2019 YouGov survey, one-third of U.S. adults confessed to doing it in an interpersonal relationship, while a 2021 Indeed survey found that 77% of job seekers reported being ghosted by a potential employer (and 18% of applicants confessed to doing the ghosting).

“Ghosting may be an incredibly common practice, but that doesn’t make it less rude or unkind,” says Jeff Temple, PhD, a licensed psychologist, professor and relationship researcher at the University of Texas Medical Branch. “It’s one of the most hurtful things you can do to another person.” In other words, ghosting isn’t just Gen Z slang for ditching a relationship; it’s also poor etiquette.

Marie agrees. Left feeling confused and heartbroken, she tried to follow up several times with Sydney, even a year after the ghosting happened. “I tried apologizing for anything I could think of, but nothing worked. I haven’t heard a word from her since,” she explains. “I’ve had to accept that I’ll never know why she decided to end our friendship. And I can honestly say that the pain of losing that deep friendship hurt worse than any romantic breakup I’ve been through. It took me a long time to get over the pain of that.”

Sound familiar? Ghosting is just as gutting in a romanceyou’ve used your best Tinder pickup lines and pulled together some truly epic romantic date ideas only to have the other person simply stop responding. To help you deal with (and better understand) this common occurrence, we asked experts to explain everything you need to know about ghosting. Read on to find out their top tips.

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What does ghosting mean?

Before you can really understand how ghosting might affect you, you need a grasp of the basics. So, what is ghosting? “Ghosting is exactly what it sounds like: It’s silently disappearing from someone’s life, like a ghost,” says Ramani Durvasula, PhD, an author, licensed clinical psychologist, professor of psychology at California State UniversityLos Angeles and expert in toxic relationships. “The person cuts off all communication, without warning or explanation.”

It’s not a new concept, though the word itself is relatively recent. It started appearing with this modern definition in the early 2000s, and Merriam-Webster added it to the dictionary in 2017.

Though the term ghosted is so ubiquitous that it became the title of an Apple TV+ movie (in which, of course, the leading man is ghosted by a woman he hooked up with), you may also encounter ghosting synonyms, including fadeaway and swerve. (It’s called an Irish exit if you choose to “ghost” and leave a party rather than saying goodbye.)

Ghosting is most common in datingparticularly dating online or through appsbut can also happen in any type of interpersonal or professional relationship, says Gabriela Reyes, LMFT, a licensed therapist in San Jose, California, and an expert in social media etiquette and relationships for the dating app Chispa.

Why do people ghost?

People ghost others for many reasons, Temple says: concern about hurting the other person, fear that they won’t be able to handle their own feelings, a desire to avoid the consequences of the break or to move on quickly, embarrassment or because it takes less time than talking. “Occasionally, someone will even unintentionally ghost because they are forgetful,” he adds.

But the most common reason people go incommunicado is simply because it’s easier than having a difficult conversation.

“Many people weren’t taught what healthy adult communication looks like in relationships, so they default to the easiest way outghosting,” Durvasula says. Basically, they never learned the etiquette for discussing potentially painful subjects, or they don’t know how to say no, so they just stop talking instead, she says.

What are the signs of ghosting?

Knowing what is ghosting and what is not can help you both make sense of the communication issues you’re encountering and avoid disappearing on others. The telltale sign that you’ve been ghosted is that the other person becomes totally unresponsive to any type of communication, Reyes says. Here’s what that may look like:

• Your texts are left on “read” (or aren’t opened at all).
• You can no longer see their social media profiles.
• You are blocked from messaging them on social media.
• They’ve disconnected from you on dating and/or social apps.
• They don’t answer your phone calls.
• They avoid you in person or find excuses to avoid places where you’ll be.
• They ask mutual friends to not tell you about them.
• They dodge invitations to meet up.

Ghosting often happens out of the blue, but sometimes you may see signs of other rude conversation habits, including a fadeaway before the total cessation of communication, Temple says. Signs that someone is fading away may include:

• They take days to respond to your texts or calls.
• They bail on plans with you at the last minute.
• They talk about only vague or superficial things with you.
• They don’t invite you out, text you or otherwise initiate communication.
• They employ “breadcrumbing” or give you just little bits of attention sporadically.

If you’re cringing while reading this, that’s because these things do hurteven when coming from casual acquaintances or at work, Durvasula says. “We all have a very basic and beautiful need for human connection, and ghosting strikes at the core of that,” she says.

At best, being ghosted leaves you feeling confused, worried and frustrated. At worst, it makes you question your self-worth, leaving you with a lot of unanswered questions that can make you feel bad for a long time.

What should you do if you’ve been ghosted?

There isn’t a lot you can do to fix things if you’re the one being ghostedafter all, what is ghosting but a sudden end to a relationship without the opportunity to repair it? But our experts have some tips for dealing and healing.

Stop reaching out after three tries

You can try one to three times to reach out and see if there was a miscommunication, but if they still don’t reply, proper etiquette says you should respect their boundaries and unspoken desire for ceased communicationas painful and confusing as that may be, Temple says.

Don’t get others involved

Another common etiquette mistake Durvasula sees is the snubbed person using mutual friends or family as a go-between. “It’s tempting to ask a friend to talk to the ‘ghoster’ to get some answers, but it rarely works out positively,” she says. “More likely, it will make the situation worse and put the middle person in an awkward position.”

Vent to an uninvolved party

You shouldn’t talk to your “ghost” or complain (even politely!) to mutual connections. But you can and should vent about the problem to a good friend or family member who can provide support and remind you that you are loved, Temple says.

Do some serious self-care

Prioritize taking care of yourself physically and mentally, Reyes says. “Unfortunately, ghosting is common, and if you’ve been ghosted after dedicating a lot of energy to someone, it can be very draining,” she says. “Take some extra time to rest and recover.”

Self-care could include spending more time on a hobby you love, focusing more on other relationships in your life, exercising, meditating, indulging in comfort foods or activities, or meeting new people.

Get therapy

Being ghosted can make you wonder what you did wrong or doubt your relationship skills or sense of self. You likely won’t get answers from the other person, but a therapist can help you navigate these issues in an introspective way, Durvasula says. “A good therapist can help you find a sense of closure within yourself and move on in a healthy way.”

Keep building relationships

It’s common to withdraw socially after being ghosted, but that only makes you feel more isolated and reinforces negative feelings. Don’t let being ghosted stop you from trying to make or deepen connections with others, Reyes says. It may not have worked out with this one person, but you aren’t broken, and you deserve positive relationships of all kinds. Focus on both nurturing existing relationships and forming new ones.

How can you avoid ghosting someone?

Ghosting is an etiquette mistake at best and incredibly unkind at worst. “You should avoid ghosting others if possible,” Temple says. “In the end, having a conversation generally works out better for both parties, even if it’s tough.”

If you’re tempted to fade away or ghost someone, start by putting yourself in their shoes and think about how you’d feel. “A little empathy goes a long way,” he says.

Nervous about having a hard conversation? Practice it in advance with someone else or write it out to build your confidence and clarify your thoughts. This is a good time to consider your non-negotiables and the boundaries you’d like for the relationship, Durvasula adds. (Remember, boundaries are simply things you will or won’t dothey don’t control another person’s behavior.)

Then just do it. “It’s never going to feel easier, and waiting only prolongs the anxiety, for you and them,” Temple says.

If you’re someone who has difficulty remembering to respond to texts and messages (thereby inadvertently ghosting someone), set a time each day to go through your phone, looking for any missed calls or messages and responding to them. Better to get a daily notification reminder than practice poor texting etiquette.

Is it ever OK to ghost someone?

In a twist of irony, Marie admits to ghosting a few people herselfon dating apps. “If I go on a first date and it doesn’t click, I just disconnect from them on the app,” she says. “We don’t need to have a conversation about it.”

There are a few occasions, including when using dating apps, when ghosting may be an appropriate move, our experts say. For instance, if you encounter any relationship red flags, you may want to go into ghost mode.

On most dating apps, ghosting people you’ve only communicated with briefly is accepted and even expected, as people are connecting with many potential dates at once, Reyes says. Any unsolicited sexts are another good reason to just cut off communication. But if you’ve gone on more than one date or had long, personal conversations, give the person some closure with a goodbye message so they’re not left hanging.

Similarly, ghosting isn’t necessarily bad business etiquette. It’s so common in the job market because people are making many connections at the same time, and it isn’t efficient to talk with everyone. Employers can’t respond to every resume or application, and job seekers sometimes can’t respond to every company that reaches out. But if you’ve had some back-and-forth communication and moved past the beginning stages of interviewing, it’s a kindness to give the other party a quick “I won’t be moving forward with this application at this time, thanks.”

The other situation in which ghosting isn’t just appropriate but may be necessary is when you are ending a relationship and are worried that the other person will react in a violent or abusive way, Durvasula says. “Abusers will try to manipulate you through communication, so it’s best to cut that off totally,” she says. “Put your safety first, and in the case of abuse, ghosting is often the best and safest option.”

Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. Chances are, you will find yourself in situations where one person wants to end the relationship. In most situations, the polite and kind thing to do is practice good communication and avoid ghosting the other person.

About the experts

• Jeff Temple, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, professor and the John Sealy Distinguished Chair in community health at the University of Texas Medical Branch. He’s the director of the Center for Violence Prevention and has more than 230 scholarly publications in a variety of high-impact journals, including JAMA.
• Ramani Durvasula, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor of psychology at California State UniversityLos Angeles. She’s the author of two books on difficult relationships and is a renowned expert in toxic relationships and narcissism, with a YouTube channel that has nearly 1.5 million followers.
• Gabriela Reyes, LMFT, is a relationship etiquette expert for the dating app Chispa and a licensed therapist in San Jose, California.

Sources:

• YouGov: “Have you ever ‘ghosted’ someone?”
• Indeed: “Employer Ghosting: A Troubling Workplace Trend”
• Merriam-Webster: “A New Meaning of the Verb ‘Ghost'”

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If you’ve ever been through it yourself, you know that the loss of a beloved pet can be devastating. It’s a sad, painful experience that can make the bereaved feel lonely and isolated. If you’re in the orbit of grieving pet parents, you may struggle to know how to help or what to say when someone loses a petor may wonder if anything you say will even make a difference. But your presence and words of comfort are essential to helping them grieve and process their loss.

Whether they’re openly sharing their grief or suffering in silence, chances are, they’re going through a range of emotions, says animal chaplain and pet-loss counselor Kaleel Sakakeeny. “When our pets inevitably die, the physical bond is broken, and pet parents experience extreme distress and grief,” he says. “The loving, familiar shared reality [with their pet] is gone, leaving them and their homes bereft and empty.”

Guilt often plays a part, he says. “Maybe the veterinarian lacked the compassion the pet parent needed, or maybe the pet parent felt they acted too soon or too late to euthanize their sick and distressed pet.” If the pet died when the pet owner was not present, that grief and guilt are even more compounded.

And this is where you, as a friend, family member, neighbor or co-worker, come in. Knowing what to say when someone loses a pet helps validate their grief and provides much-needed comfort. Even if you can’t be present in person, your condolence messages after a beloved animal’s passing will be heard and, hopefully, appreciated. Here’s a look at the etiquette of comforting a grieving pet lover and what to say to someone who lost a pet.

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How do you comfort someone who lost their pet?

There are some concrete ways you can comfort someone who has lost their pet, but keep in mind that every pet lover handles the loss of their animal companion differently. “Some people are closed off and don’t want to talk about it,” says etiquette expert Jules Martinez Hirst. “Others can’t stop crying and sharing stories of their beloved pet.”

If you want to make sure you’re being a compassionate friend, try one (or more) of the methods below.

Visit in person

If circumstances allow, take the time to visit the grieving pet lover in person. “Be present,” says Sakakeeny. “Show up. Offer to take a walk, sit with them, let them feel your presence.”

He says the person may want to tell stories about their life with and love of their pet or maybe even recount the last days and hours of their pet’s life. “Take cues from your friend,” he says. “If they are comfortable talking about the love, the antics, the joy and the sadness of their pet, then listen and affirm.”

Offer your support

Martinez Hirst says you can offer concrete help during this difficult time. “Help around the house. Bring food over. Take out the trash,” she says. “Letting them know that you are there for them provides the comfort and security they need during this tough time.”

If the timing feels right, you might offer to wash the deceased pet’s bedding and tuck it away, or help the pet parent select a special place in the house to keep the late fur baby’s dog leash, collar or favorite toys.

Make a donation in their pet’s name

Donating money to a pet rescue organization is a lovely way to remember a deceased pet while helping other animals. The Humane Society of the United States, along with countless regional and local animal shelters and rescue groups, will put your donation to good use. Some will even send a note to the grieving pet owner to let them know a donation was made in their pet’s name.

Gift a special pet remembrance

Once you’ve gauged how your friend is taking the loss of their pet, you can consider a personalized sympathy gift that memorializes their cat, dog or other animal companion. It might be a framed photo, an engraved brick or stone for their garden, or some other item that recalls their pet.

Best Friends Animal Society offers several personalized items that can be sent to the pet parent’s home or installed at Angel’s Rest, their pet memorial park in Utah.

Say the right thing

Whether you’re comforting a bereaved pet parent in person or in writing, knowing what to say when someone loses a petand, just as important, what not to saywill ultimately help them grieve, process and overcome the loss of their furry companion.

What to say in person

It can be tough to figure out what to say to someone who’s grieving, but before spouting comforting words for the loss of a pet, focus on being a good listener and being present. “Providing a shoulder to cry on or being a listener of special memories will help the owner grieve,” says Martinez Hirst. “The empathy you provide will do wonders.”

Sakakeeny agrees. “Honestly, the less said, the better,” he notes. “The greatest comfort is to be there for your friend.”

When it’s time to speak, here are some suggestions:

1. I’m so sorry about the loss of your dear [pet’s name]. I know how much he meant to you.
2. [Pet’s name] was such a great [cat, dog, etc.]. I know how much you’ll miss her.
3. I know [pet’s name] was part of the family. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve.
4. The death of a pet is always a terrible loss. I want you to know that I’m here for you.
5. You gave [pet’s name] such a happy life. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that.
6. I know what a special bond you and [pet’s name] shared, and I understand how hard this is.
7. [Pet’s name] touched all our lives with his sweetness and antics. We’ll all miss him.
8. Losing a pet is like losing a family member. If you need to have a good cry, I’m here.
9. [Pet’s name] was the best. There’ll never be another like her.
10. I know how difficult things are right now. Be sure you remember to take care of yourself during this sad time.

What to say in a sympathy card

The etiquette around a pet’s passing isn’t quite the same as funeral etiquette for humans, but there are some best practices that’ll help you comfort without making any faux pas. Good manners involve knowing what to say when someone loses a pet and taking the appropriate steps to recognize the role the pet played in its owner’s life.

“Sending a sympathy card is a nice acknowledgment of the pet and the important bond the pet had with the owner,” says Martinez Hirst. “It is important to acknowledge this bond and let the owner know how important the pet was and that the pet will always be remembered. If possible, expressing your availability to talk or visit is a nice touch.”

Here are some ideas for what to write in a pet sympathy card:

1. We know dear [pet’s name] is at peace now, but we also know how much you loved and miss him. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
2. May the memories of all the happy years you shared with [pet’s name] offer you comfort at this difficult time.
3. In honor of your beloved [pet’s name] and the special bond you shared, I’ve made a donation to [pet charity name] in her name.
4. I’m so sorry to learn of [pet’s name’s] sad passing, and I want you to know I’m here whenever you need a hug or would like to talk.
5. I know how much joy [pet’s name] brought to your lives, and I hope your happy memories help you through your grief.
6. [Pet’s name] was just the best [dog, cat, etc.], and we know how special he was to you. Please accept our sincerest condolences at this sad time.
7. Pets hold a special place in our hearts, and [pet’s name] was such a sweet and loving companion. Please accept our sympathy for her loss.
8. We all loved [pet’s name], no one more than you. Please allow yourself time to grieve this sad loss, and let us know if there’s anything we can do to help or comfort you during this time.
9. I have the fondest memories of watching [pet’s name] play in your backyard. I will miss him, and I know you will too. Please accept my sympathies.
10. You gave [pet’s name] the best life, and she died knowing how much you loved her. I hope your happy memories with her will soon outweigh your sadness at her loss.

What to say over text

Martinez Hirst considers a “sympathy text” the last resort for conveying condolences. “Text messaging does not allow the reader to feel your emotion or tone,” she says, noting that, at worst, it may be misinterpreted. “The reader interprets the message in their own way, and it may not be in the way the sender intended.”

Still, if a drop-in visit is out of the question and you’d rather not mail out a card, sending a text is better than nothing. Here are a few suggestions for how to comfort someone who lost a pet over text. Note that most of these are conversation starters that invite a reply from the grieving owner, which helps show you care.

1. I heard about [pet’s name], and I’m so sorry. I’m here if you need me.
2. Hey, I’m so sorry about [pet’s name]. Can I call you later today and see how you’re holding up?
3. I heard about [pet’s name]. Are you doing OK? I know how much you loved him.
4. I’m just checking in. I know how hard it is to lose a pet, and I want you to know I’m here if you want to talk about [pet’s name] or anything else.
5. We all loved [pet’s name] so much and are so sorry to hear of her passing. Sending love and hugs to you and your family.
6. I’m so sorry about your dear [pet’s name]. I’d like to make a charitable donation in his memory. Do you have a favorite organization to which I could donate?
7. Losing a pet is just the saddest thing. If you want to talk (or have a good cry), please know that I’m here for you.
8. Hey, how are you holding up? I know how much you miss [pet’s name], and I hope you’re doing OK.
9. Just thinking of you. I know it’s hard right now, but please remember all the wonderful moments you shared with [pet’s name].
10. [Pet’s name] was such a sweetieand left us way too soon. We’re thinking of you and hope you’re managing with his loss.

What not to say when someone loses a pet

Like texts that can be misinterpreted, well-intentioned comments meant to help a grieving pet parent may actually make things worse. Comments that make light of the pain and grief the pet lover is experiencing can make the person feel “minimized and disenfranchised,” says Sakakeeny.

If your statement doesn’t provide empathy, support or understanding of what the owner is going through, adds Martinez Hirst, just skip it. And if you’ve accidentally said one of these things to a pal whose pet has recently died, be quick to apologize.

Topping the list of things not to say to a grieving pet lover are the following:

1. It’s just a dog/cat/hamster. Wrong. The deceased, dearly loved pet was a family member and possibly a best friend, never “just” an animal. We get that not everyone agrees with this sentiment, but minimizing a pet minimizes the person’s grief.
2. You can always get another one. Eventually, yes. But unless your friend has expressed interest in immediately getting another pet, save your breath. Or at most, offer this: “Whenever you think you’re ready, I’d be happy to visit the animal shelter with you.”
3. Don’t you think you’re taking this too hard? Sakakeeny calls this statement “seriously insensitive and deeply wounding.” Again, if you don’t understand the depth of the human-pet bond, it’s best to offer a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” and move on.
4. They had a good, long life. While the statement may be true, Martinez Hirst says it can still “be interpreted as shallow and dismissive. The same goes for “they’re in a better place now.”
5. When I lost my dog… Don’t start sharing your own pet-grief journey with your mourning friend or talk about how awful your experience was or how quickly you recovered from the loss of your pet. It’s not a competition.

About the experts

• Jules Martinez Hirst is an etiquette expert and co-author of the book Power of Civility. She offers modern manners classes and is dedicated to providing students and employees with tips and techniques to handle proper etiquette in today’s highly competitive, global marketplace.
• Kaleel Sakakeeny is an ordained animal chaplain, pet and loss counselor, nondenominational pastor and credentialed grief educator. He runs Animal Talks, a Boston-based nonprofit offering pet-loss support.

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“My husband gave me a gift card for my birthday, and it took me six months to work up the nerve to use it. I was that freaked out,” says 42-year-old Rodriguez, who lives in Staten Island, New York. “When I first walked in, the massage therapist told me to ‘undress to your comfort level,’ and I was like, ‘Ma’am, nothing about this is comfortable!'”

Rodriguez says her massage therapist looked her straight in the eye and told her to take a deep breath and relax or “I might as well light my gift card on fire, and if my husband wanted to gift me a bonfire, he would have.” The comment made her laugh, and that’s when she knew she’d found the right massage therapist for her. Since then, she’s been going back once a monthand she always makes it a point to leave a great tip.

But what, exactly, is the tipping etiquette when it comes to massage therapy? Does it differ from how much to tip a hairdresser or how much to tip at a nail salon? And do you always have to tip, or is tipping etiquette different around the world? Rodriguez is certainly not alone in her confusion and discomfort when it comes to how to tip for a massage, but that’s no reason to miss out on what she calls “one of the biggest little pleasures of life.” So we asked experts to share everything you need to know about how much to tip for a massage.

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Is it customary to tip for a massage?

In the United States, massage therapists may work privately, at a spa or as part of a medical office. They can be paid per session or hourly, and they’re usually not getting all of the money you’re paying for a treatment. Let’s say your deep-tissue massage costs $80. A tip isn’t included in that bill, and much of the fee goes to the spa or medical facility, with your massage therapist getting only a percentage. Tips can make a huge difference to how much they bring home each night.

“You should always tip something after a massageit’s rude not to,” says Beth Rose, a licensed massage therapist and business owner in Kennewick, Washington. “We are providing a service. Plus, massage is hard physical work! A good tip gives us an incentive to serve you better the next time.”

And speaking of tipping requirements, don’t forget that you need to tip for pizza delivery too!

How much should you tip for a massage?

Basic etiquette rulessayto tip 20% of the bill, according to Valerie Sokolosky, an etiquette expert and the author of Do It Right, a comprehensive etiquette guide. “Trust that the massage therapist or their boss will adjust charges based on the services rendered and the time, so you don’t need to calculate anything extra beyond the flat percentage,” she explains.

For instance, a regular massage may be $50 for 60 minutes, in which case you would tip $10, making your total cost $60. The same spa may offer a 90-minute deep-tissue massage for $200, making your tip $40 and your final cost $240.

If you feel like the massage therapist went above and beyond in providing excellent service, feel free to tip more, up to 25% or 30%, Sokolosky adds.

How should you tip for a massage?

“Most massage therapists prefer to be tipped in cash,” says Rose, adding that you can give the cash directly to the therapist at the end of your appointment. “Cash is immediate, so you don’t have to wait for your paycheck, and they don’t take taxes out.”

That said, it’s perfectly fine to add a tip on your credit card bill if that is your preference, she adds.

Should you tip if you’re using a coupon or gift certificate?

Yes, you should tip at least 20% based on the regular cost of the service, even if you’re using a coupon or gift certificate, says Sokolosky. So if a massage normally costs $100, tip $20 even if you have a coupon that discounts the massage to $90 or a gift card that covers the full cost. Skipping or reducing a tip when using a coupon is one of the most common etiquette mistakes, so be sure you don’t fall into that trap!

The one exception? Some gift-givers choose to include the tip in the amount they put on a gift card. They might give you a $60 gift certificate to use on a $50 Swedish massage, noting in the card that the gift is good for “one massage and $10 tip.” In that case, you don’t need to tip even more.

How much should you tip for a massage during the holidays?

It isn’t standard to tip more for a massage during the holidays, but if you have a regular relationship with a particular therapist, a holiday bonus is a nice gesture.The question, of course, is how much to tip for a massage in this case. Sokolosky suggests giving an amount equal to the cost of one appointment. Put cash in an envelope with a nice thank-you note.

You may also want to consider tipping a little more for other special occasions and services, like a honeymoon couples’ massage or an in-home visit. “It’s not expected, but it is a nice surprise,” says Rose.

Do you have to tip if the massage therapist is the spa owner?

This is a bit of a gray area, says Rose, who owns her own spa. “I don’t expect people to really tip when they come to me,” she says. “I set the prices at what I think is fair, and I have little overhead, so the whole price of the massage goes straight to me. But everyone tips anyway, which I really appreciate.”

Do you have to tip for a massage at an all-inclusive resort?

“All-inclusive” means that tipping isn’t required. That said, most people will still tip service workers, including massage therapists, a small amount, perhaps $5 to $10.

Rather than tipping after every massage, it’s customary to tip once at the end of your resort stay, says Rose, adding that it’s best to hand cash directly to your massage therapist. The same is true for other service workers, such as hotel housekeeping.

Do you need to tip if your massage wasn’t great?

Your massage therapist went to town with the face massage tools, and you weren’t into it at all. We’ve all been there, wondering how much to tip for a less-than-stellar massageand whether we could skip out without leaving a tip at all. Know this: You should still tip your massage therapist even if you weren’t 100% satisfied, says Sokolosky.

Rose agrees. “You should always tipsomething,” she says. “They usually do at least one or two things right even if the whole thing isn’t perfect.”

And the next time you get a massage, save yourself a bad experience by speaking up. According to Rose, a good massage therapist will check in with you regularly during the massage to make sure it’s a good experience. “I ask questions throughout the session to make sure they’re happy and adjust if needed,” she says. “If you are unhappy with something, you should speak up right then so we can fix it.”

When should you skip a tip?

Massage therapists who work in medical settingsthink chiropractic offices, physical therapy practices and hospitalsusually don’t get tips, says Sokolosky. The massage is considered a medical treatment, and the bill goes through insurance, so you don’t pay anything at the time of service.

Massage therapists in medical settings are often paid a salary or an hourly rate, regardless of whether or not they have clients, so all payment is taken care of by the employer, says Rose.

If all this talk of tipping has you opting for a DIY massage instead, give one of these ahh-mazing scalp massagers a try.

Sources:

• Angel Rodriguez, regular spa customer
• Beth Rose, licensed massage therapist and business owner in Kennewick, Washington
• Valerie Sokolosky, etiquette expert and author of Do It Right

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What is email etiquette?

Email is a part of nearly every facet of modern life. From an important report for your boss to an informal note for a family member, email is one of the main ways we communicate. That means that in addition to knowing everyday etiquette rules, top-notch email skills are essential. Email etiquette is the collection of polite habits and unspoken rules that help us digitally communicate in an efficient and professional way.

Since you use email all the time, you might think youve got this covered. But similar to wedding etiquette, email etiquette rules can be very specialized and change quickly. That’s why we’ve rounded up the most important email etiquette rules for you to follow.

Why is email etiquette important?

“Your emails are often the bestand sometimes onlydemonstration of the quality of your communication skills,” says technology etiquette expert Michele L. Olivier, CEO of O&H Consulting. “Good email etiquette makes a good impression on others, isan important job skilland reduces inbox anxiety for the sender and the receiver.”

Plus, proper email etiquette doesnt just cover social, cultural and professional aspectsit also encompasses some unique technological rules, says Toni Dupree, CEO of Etiquette & Style by Dupree. Because of the rapidly evolving nature of technology, what’s “good” and “bad” changes frequently.

Thankfully, you don’t need to take an etiquette class to help you stay on top of the latest trends. We asked etiquette experts to share the most current rules so you can make the right impression every time you hit send.

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Email etiquette tips

Use your name in your email address

Stinkybutt28@hotmail.com might have been funny back in the day, but it’s time to get rid of that old account. Email addresses are used for everything from making doctor’s appointments to applying for jobs, so adults need a normal, easy-to-understand email address. Stick to using a combination of your name and a few numbers when creating an email account. (This, of course, is very different from creating a strong email password.) Don’t worry: You can always forward messages from your old accounts to your new one so you don’t have to start from scratch.

Separate business and personal emails

If you’re sending a professional email, make sure to use your business email account. Most companies will assign you an email address with their name on it, but if they don’t, you can always create a separate email address strictly for business. This makes you look legitimate and professional and reduces the likelihood of embarrassing email mistakes. If you want to stick to one email account, at least sort work emails into a separate folder. While we’re on the topic, here’s how the most productive people manage their emails.

Craft a short, informative signature

One of the best tools for writing a good email is the signature that automatically appears at the bottom of every email you send, says Georgene Huang, CEO and co-founder of Fairygodboss, a career counseling service for women. Include your full name, job title (if using a business email) and contact information, like a phone number, website or social media account. Some people now also include their preferred pronouns.

Save the funny GIFs for a text

Several years ago, fancy formatting in emails was all the rage, but these days, the rule is to keep it simple, especially in your signature. Nix the cutesy fonts, sparkly GIFs, multiple colors and random quotes. Many people find them irritating, and some phone email programs aren’t able to import them properly, so your formatting may not come across correctly on mobile devices.

Get to the point right away

Generally speaking, email is an information-sharing tool, so most of the time, people prefer to read concise, to-the-point messages. There’s no need to fluff it up with unnecessary details or vague pleasantries, particularly if you’re sending a business email. You can be brief without being blunt or rude. According to email etiquette experts, it’s also helpful to include what you’re asking the reader to dowhether it’s committing to a meeting, sending a file or just listeningin the first paragraph so they know what to expect. Here are a few etiquette rules that should really be taught in schools.

Use an accurate subject line

Many people preview their messagesmeaning they see the subject line and the first line of the body of the email before deciding if they want to open it and read the whole thing. “Teaser” subject lines are frustrating and can come off as manipulative, so keep it brief but specific. It’s less important to be funny or eye-catching than it is to be informative and clear. Also keep in mind that these grammatical mistakes will make you look bad.

Only email people who need the information

“There’s no magic number for how many people should be included in an email, but make sure everyone you’re emailing actually needs to receive the message,” says Huang. You’d be surprised how many people include others on email chains “just in case,” which can be annoying and create extra work. Just because you can email everyone in your contacts at once, it definitely doesn’t mean you should. Plus, not following this email etiquette rule could also lead to an embarrassing email mistake.

Don’t assume pronouns

A person’s identity is, well, very personal. And in this day and age, getting the personal details right is more important than ever. “Take the extra five seconds to make sure you are spelling the person’s name correctly,” says Olivier. “And don’t assume someone’s gender or pronouns. If you are unsure, just use their name.” Modern etiquette says it’s fine to ask someone what they prefer to be called, whether that’s a nickname or a gender-neutral pronoun. Abiding by their preferences shows respect.

Think twice before hitting “reply all”

Email is often used as a way to deliver information to a large group of people at once. However, not everyone in the group will need to read every reply or question, and using the “reply all” feature unnecessarily can clog up inboxes. Before you reply to a mass email, consider who you are talking to and address the message only to themmore often than not, it’s just the person who sent the original email. If you’re worried about people missing vital information, a better solution is to gather it in a shared document that anyone can access and update.

Use “bcc” for one-way communication or privacy

Here’s one way to avoid the “reply all” problem: When you are the sender, put your own email address in the “to” field and everyone else’s email addresses in the “bcc” field, since “bcc” stands for “blind carbon copy” and means that any email addresses in that field will be hidden. Recipients will only be able to see your email. This is best for emails where you want to simply disseminate information and/or when you want to protect the privacy of the recipients. You wouldn’t want your lack of email etiquette to be the reason someone’s trying to figure out how to block annoying emails!

Use the “cc” field for groups that need to work together

CC stands for “carbon copy.” The difference between cc’ing and bcc’ing is that the recipients of a cc’ed email can see one another. Put emails in the cc field if you’d like a group of people to have everyone else’s contact information or to have a group discussionlike when planning a group event. In business settings, it’s also appropriate to cc someone to make sure they are aware of something but they’re not the primary audience intended for the message. Managers often ask to be cc’ed on important communications.

Use spell check and grammar check

Most email programs have built-in tools for checking spelling and grammar. These tools have become highly accurate and work for catching the most common mistakes. It’s worth the time to go through your email to correct any errors. Plus, giving it a quick read-through before sending can help you avoid other common errors, like forgetting to attach a document or spelling a person’s name wrong. “Most email errors could be prevented by proofreading it once before hitting send,” says Dupree. Just be aware that spell check won’t catch certain mistakes.

Write in complete sentences

Texting your best friend? You can abbreviate as much as you like, and punctuation is optional. Email, however, usually requires a bit more structure. Email often includes more information and longer blocks of text, so using complete sentences and punctuation makes it easier to read and understand. It’s also good business etiquette, particularly if your emails will be referenced later. Being concise doesn’t excuse you from proper writing rules. (That said, it’s fine to ignore these old-school grammar rules.)

Drop the “Mr.,” “Mrs.” and “Ms.”

Email used to be treated the same as any other business correspondence, but that’s no longer true. Now, being too formal can be off-putting or make you seem out of touch, says Olivier. “Write in a conversational tone,” she advises. “These days, most people prefer to be addressed by their first name. ‘Dear Ms. Olivier’ always makes me suspicious because it’s a common tactic used by scammers.” However, this is one area where your particular society or business culture may have its own set of standards, and those should take precedence. Here are a few outdated etiquette rules even experts don’t follow anymore.

Do not send or ask for read receipts

A read receipt is a message or notification that shows if and when an email is opened. These clog up inboxes, and due to changes in the technology behind how emails are received, they’re not even very accurate anymore. If you really need to know if someone got your message, wait at least 24 hours and then send a polite follow-up note. Otherwise, it’s safe to assume they received it.

Use voice dictation very carefully

Many people send emails from their phones, and while that’s not a bad thing, it does increase the risk of errorsespecially if you’re using the voice dictation tool. The computer may “hear” the wrong word, use the wrong spelling or even occasionally completely change the whole meaning of your message. If you do use voice dictation, be sure to proofread carefully before hitting send.

Skip the “thanks” replies

“If a reply isn’t necessary, then don’t send one,” says Olivier. “It’s that simple.” Replying “Thanks” or “OK” doesn’t convey additional information and adds another email to an already full inbox. It is not considered rude in emails to skip the “thank you,” but you should still use it when speaking in person. The exception to this is if the sender asks you to confirm receipt or to acknowledge you received the information.

Be cautious with emojis and text speak

LOLs and smiley faces are common in texting, but in an email, those abbreviations and emojis can come across as informal at best and confusing at worst. However, this is one area where etiquette is changing rapidly, and in companies with a more casual corporate culture, they are totally fine, says Olivier. In fact, using some emojis can make you seem with it and on top of current trends, while others like the thumbs-up emoji can come across as passive aggressive. This comes down to understanding the corporate culture and the expectations of the person you’re emailing, she notes.

Reply within 24 to 48 hours

Nothing is worse than sending an important email and then hearing nothing back. Good email etiquette says that you should do your best to reply to every message within one to two days. If you can’t, send a short reply (or autoreply) stating that you are behind but will get back to them by a certain date or time. In many cases, it’s best to reply as soon as you read the email, if you have the information available. Putting it off until later takes mental energy, and it adds up until it feels overwhelming. Don’t wait until you have the “perfect” replypeople generally prefer a short but quick answer over a three-page dissertation anyway.

Set up an “away” message

If you’re out of the office or on vacation, set up an automatic “Out of office” or “Will be slow to respond” message to give people a heads-up that they shouldn’t expect a response from you right away. You don’t have to give out detailed information; stick to the basics, and let them know when they can expect a reply. While this is necessary for business communications, it’s not a bad idea to do it for personal accounts as well if you know you’ll be away from your email for an extended period of timethat way, loved ones won’t worry if they don’t get a speedy response. For a good laugh (though not necessarily inspiration for your own message), check out these hilarious out-of-office messages.

Don’t use the “Sent from my iPhone” message

It’s not uncommon to see an email with a note at the bottom indicating the person sent the message from their mobile phone. It’s meant to apologize in advance for errors, poor grammar, bad formatting or brevity, but it’s really just poor form, according to Olivier. “If you have to apologize in advance for something, don’t do it,” she says. If you’re sending an email that is complex, take the time and do it properly from your computer. Either way, there is no need to share what device you’re using to send it.

Check your outbox frequently

Some email programs use a queue to hold emails before sending them, and occasionally messages will get left in the queue and not sent. However, “it got stuck in my outbox” is not a good excuse and is simply bad manners, says Olivier. Make it a habit to ensure all your messages are sent.

If you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t type it

The Internet is forever. Even emails you think have been deleted can generally be found again. This means you should practice good social and business etiquette in every email you send. Use clear communication and a kind tone, and avoid name-calling, sexual pictures or text, accusations or other faux pas. A good rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t want your grandmother to read it, then don’t write it.

About the experts

• Michele L. Olivier is a technology etiquette expert and the CEO of O&H Consulting. She has more than 20 years of experience in talent recruiting.
• Toni Dupree is a social etiquette expert and public speaker. She is the CEO of Etiquette & Style by Dupree in Houston.
• Georgene Huang is a business etiquette expert and the CEO and co-founder of Fairygodboss, a career-focused community for women.

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“Negotiating a raise is ultimately about compromise. It’s about balancing your own objectives with those of the company in a way that makes both parties feel like they got at least some of what they wanted,” says Andres Lares, a professional negotiator and managing partner at the Shapiro Negotiations Institute. “Preparing in advance is the best thing you can do to increase your chances of getting that raisenot to mention that your preparation is the only aspect you have direct control over.”

Whether you work from home or commute into the office, digital etiquette and in-person etiquette are in agreement here: There are certain phrases you should never utter and others that’ll lead to more money in the bank. Before you send your boss a meeting invite, browse the advice below, which comes from experts who know how to ask for a raise and negotiate a salary that matches their worth.

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The two types of raises

When it comes to negotiating compensation, you’re not just talking about the dollar number for your salary, says Rebecca Metts, the director of human resources at an aerospace company and an HR management consultant with more than 10 years of experience. So your first order of businessbefore you ever approach your bossis to determine what, exactly, you’re asking for. To do that, you need to know which of the two main types of raises you’re requesting.

A raise without a promotion

“These raises are usually based around an increase in cost of living, like inflation, or an increase in the market rate for your position in your area. These would mean that based on comparisons, you’re currently underpaid in your job,” Metts explains.

Whether you’re asking for a bump of $5 an hour or $5,000 a year, asking for a raise without a promotion is about looking at comparisons and data points in your area and field.

A raise with a promotion

The other situation that prompts people to ask for a raise is when they want to move up in their career to a position with more responsibility. And oftentimes, they’re already doing additional work, Metts says.

“Negotiating these raises is about looking toward the future, how your skills currently add value and how you are helping and will help your company move forward and progress,” she says. These types of raises usually come with a title change, along with increased pay and benefits.

Communication is everything

Once you know which type of raise you’re going for, how do you communicate that to the higher-ups in the most effective way? We asked Metts, Lareswho is the author of Persuade: The 4-Step Process to Influence People and Decisionsand an HR expert to share what not to say when asking for a raise and what to say instead.

Don’t say: “I deserve this raise.”

“I’ve approved and written raises for hundreds of people, and this is the top thing that people said that irked me the most,” says Cynthia Banks, a professor of business at the University of ColoradoBoulder, former CEO of a global education company and a career coach. “Any variation of ‘I’ve done so much for this company’ or ‘You owe this to me’ is couched in blame and guilt, and that will immediately put your manager on the defensive. And you never want to start a negotiation where one party is already feeling antagonistic.”

She adds that, from your boss’s perspective, you’re already being paid a rate for your job that you and the company agreed was fair. So if you want more money, you need to show them the extra value you’re bringing.

Say this instead: “I so enjoy working for this company, and I’m excited to help it grow in X way. I think my skills would be a great match for this project, and I’d love to talk more with you about how to grow my career here.” This opens the door for negotiating from a positive place, Banks says. Being entitled or demanding is one of the bad work habits you should avoid.

Don’t say: “I have another offer. If you can’t match it, I’m walking.”

Want to avoid being annoying to your manager? Skip childish responses like this. “No one likes to be given an ultimatum or told what to do,” Lares says. “Instead of trying to force their hand, focus on being collaborative.”

Remember, your company has a vested interest in keeping you happy, as it is almost always more cost-effective for them to give you a raise than to hire a new employee. He adds that it is fine to use other offers as leverage in negotiating a raiseso long as you are prepared to take that other offer.

In other words: Don’t bluff. Threatening to quit is exactly what not to say when asking for a raise.

Say this instead: “I love working here, and I’d rather stay, but I need to be realistic about these other offers. Can we talk about it?” Ultimatums are conversation-enders. Asking questions starts a nuanced conversation about how a raise can be mutually beneficial, Lares says.

Don’t say: “I looked on Glassdoor, and other software engineers are making $100,000, so I think I should be paid that too.”

You absolutely should be doing online research to find out the market rate for your job in your area, Metts says. But use that info to guide how you negotiatenot as your opener.

It may be quite true that you’re underpaid, but pointing that out immediately again risks making your manager feel defensive. Instead, first examine your company’s policy about cost-of-living raises and research comparable jobschances are, if you’re in a company with more than a handful of employees, there’s already a set process to appeal your salary and ask for a raise without a promotion.

“If there is an established process, follow it to the letter,” she says. “It can be a pain and some paperwork, but this really is your best bet to getting what you want.”

Say this instead: “Can you tell me how you got to the salary range for my job?” Asking this as a question invites your manager to be open to looking at the comps (that you’ve already prepared and, oh, just happen to have handy). “If nothing else, this gets your employer to think through how and why you are paid at the rate you are and opens the door to more conversation about it,” Banks says.

Don’t say: “I want $150,000 a year.”

Focusing strictly on the dollar amount of your salary is a major rookie mistake, Metts says. “An employee’s total compensation package is about so much more than your salary, and negotiating these other factors can actually get you a better raise overall,” she says.

These other factors can include a yearly or performance bonus, relocation costs, a title change or promotion, more money toward your medical care, stock options or equity in the company, education expenses, more vacation time or PTO, or more flexibility in your work schedule or location. “Due to budgets and other constraints, your manager may not even be able to meet that number, so being flexible shows you’re willing to compromise and work with them to find a mutually agreeable solution.”

Say this instead: “I’d love to talk about the work I’ve been doing on X and how I can help the company meet its goals, along with the possibility of increasing my opportunities and compensation. When is a good time to chat?” Don’t come out of the gate with a hard number, Metts says. Be open to compromising some dollars in favor of a better work-life balance or a career advancement. “If you don’t like their raise offer, it’s fine to negotiate once and include other benefits you’d like,” Banks adds.

Don’t say: “I was thinking, it’s been a while since I’ve had a raiseI think I’m due for an increase. I’m a really hard worker!”

There are a couple of reasons this is what not to say when asking for a raise. For starters, it makes you sound unsure and like you haven’t done your homework, Lares says. You should at least have a vague idea of how to get promoted and get raises in your organization, including what the timeline is. If you do your research, you can share your findings as a fact.

But the real issue with this approach is that it doesn’t focus on why you are asking for the raise or the potential benefits to your company, he says. Sure, you know you’re not a quiet quitteryou’re constantly going above and beyond. But the approach above doesn’t touch on the specifics of the hard work you’ve done.

“Companies don’t usually give raises just because ‘it’s time.’ You’re probably right that you do have a strong work ethic, so this is your moment to promote everything you’ve contributed to the company,” he says. “And don’t just say ‘You know I’m a hard worker.’ Provide them with concrete examples and documentation of what you’ve done.”

Say this instead: “I’ve been doing A, B and C, all of which have provided some great benefits to the company, like X, Y and Z. But what else can I do to help our company continue to grow or meet its goals? I would love to have a conversation about that, along with the potential for a raise or some type of compensation increase. When are you available to talk?”

Asking a questionespecially one that shows you care about the company and want to helpshows empathy for your manager and their position, Lares says. “Empathy goes a really long way in negotiating a raise, he says. “You want to make it clear you’re on their side and want to work with them, not against them.”

If this statement feels like a lot to say to your manager on a Monday morning drop-in, it’s totally fine to write it up in an email so you can organize your thoughts better, he says. Then follow up on it in person a day or two later.

Don’t say: “Why didn’t I get the raise? What did I do wrong? Why don’t you guys like me?”

There’s no harm in asking for a raiseunless you take an argumentative approach. There’s a reason experts talk about what not to say when asking for a raise: Tactics like the one above can hurt your future chances of getting a raise.

Remember, raises are ongoing negotiations throughout your time with the company, so it’s not a one-and-done conversation, Lares says. “It’s normal to be upset if you don’t get what you want, but too many people take it personally and then say things that hurt their chances of getting a raise in the future,” he says. “Never act when you’re upset. Take a beat to breathe and think things through before expressing your disappointment.”

Say this instead: “I understand you are under a lot of pressure (or are dealing with a lot of different factors), and I respect your decision at this time. I enjoy providing value to this company, and I hope we can revisit the conversation about a raise. Would it be OK to check back with you in six months?”

“Ultimately, you want to keep the focus on your strengths and keeping the conversation open, not the salary,” Lares says. In the meantime, you can also do a little career cushioning by learning new skills that make you more marketable.

Don’t say: “You promised me a raise six months ago!”

You already negotiated a raise, so why aren’t you seeing it in your paycheck? Sometimes managers promise things they can’t fulfill, or the company’s circumstances have changed, or they simply forgot, Metts says. And unfortunately, there are some managers who will say anything to temporarily make you feel better, including lies about a raise.

“Unless you got it in writing, a verbal promise of a raise isn’t worth much,” she says. (But even emails or texts can count as documentation, so be sure to check those, she adds.)

This is an incredibly frustrating situation, but it doesn’t mean you still can’t get your raiseand possibly negotiate for back pay, depending on the circumstances. But there’s a way to complain politely and still get what you want. “You just need to be diplomatic in the way you approach it,” Banks says. “Go in assuming the best intentions, even if you think the worst is possible.”

Say this instead: “I was just thinking about that conversation we had a while ago about my raise. I’m not sure what is holding it up, but I hope we can get it sorted out! I’m a company person, and I enjoy working here, so can we have a conversation about how to make this happen before [insert date]?”

Some managers just need to be reminded, Metts says. But if your manager keeps giving you the runaround, it may be time to look for a new job. (By the way, if you’ve been applying for new jobs with no luck, here’s why you’re not getting hired.)

About the experts

• Andres Lares is a professional negotiator with more than 15 years of experience, including negotiating contracts for professional athletes. He is a managing partner at the Shapiro Negotiations Institute and author of Persuade: The 4-Step Process to Influence People and Decisions.
• Rebecca Metts is the director of human resources at an aerospace company and an HR management consultant with more than 10 years of experience.
• Cynthia Banks is a professor of business at the University of ColoradoBoulder. She was the CEO of a global education company for more than 20 years and now works as a career coach and runs a consulting business.

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“The initial purpose for a baby shower is to support the future mother and baby through gifts and needed items,” says etiquette expert Maryanne Parker. “Today, the baby shower can have a different aspect beyond the financial and economic support. Sometimes, the main reason is gathering, celebrating and simply having fun.”

If you’ve recently been invited to a baby shower (or are about to host one), you might be wondering what new customs surround the traditional pre-baby get-together. Below, we’ll answer the most common questions about modern baby shower etiquette and what you should expect.

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Who is supposed to host a baby shower?

Traditionally, baby shower etiquette says that family members, such as aunts or cousins, should host the shower. Sometimes, co-workers might host something if the mom-to-be is lucky enough to have an office baby shower. Surprisingly, back in the day, it was not considered appropriate for immediate family to host a shower, but modern baby shower etiquette now dictates that it’s perfectly acceptable for a grandmother-to-be or aunt-to-be to assume hosting duties. “Today, baby showers can be hosted by anyonealthough, hosting your own baby shower is not appropriate,” says Parker. “And based on the modern society we live in, baby showers can be attended by men as well.”

When should a baby shower be held?

In the U.S., baby showers are typically held before the birth of the baby. “The traditional time frame is four to six weeks before the baby is born,” notes Parker. However, in other cultures, it’s not uncommon for showers to be held after the mom-to-be gives birth.

Who should be invited to a baby shower?

This is truly a personal preference, but usually, immediate and (sometimes) extended family and close personal friends are invited to a baby shower. Co-workers can be invited as well. “We need to make sure the energy of the entire group is positive, excited and happy for the occasion,” Parker says.

When should baby shower invitations be sent?

Baby shower invitations should be sent four to six weeks in advance of the shower. Like wedding invite etiquette, you want to give your guests enough time to clear their schedule to attend or politely decline the invitation and appropriately send their RSVP to the host.

How long should a baby shower last?

Baby showers typically last a few hours and include a light meal, games for the guests and gift opening. “We have to be mindful not to overstay our welcome,” Parker notes. “And the host needs to make sure that the party is appropriately long because of the condition of the future mom-to-be.”

Who pays for a baby shower?

Baby shower etiquette dictates that the person (or group) who hosts the shower also pays for the shower.

Are gifts opened during a baby shower?

While it’s been customary to open gifts at the shower, it’s not always expected anymore. “The mom-to-be can open the gifts at the baby shower,” Parker notes. “But these days, it’s not necessary for the gifts to be opened at the shower. It is strictly an individual decision.” If the guest of honor would prefer not to open gifts at the shower, but would still like guests to be able to see them, an alternative is letting guests know it will be a display shower and they should “display” gifts or wrap them in clear cellophane. This way, gifts can be viewed easily and the mom-to-be can skip the long gift-opening session, if they prefer.

Are favors required for a baby shower?

Party favors are a thoughtful (and fun!) way to show appreciation to your guests for attending your gathering, and baby shower favors are no exception. “The favors don’t need to be expensive and bigeven the smallest, cute little thing from a baby shower can bring a smile to the guest even after the party,” says Parker.

Should a baby shower have a theme?

While not mandatory, who doesn’t love a good party theme? “It is a personal choice,” Parker says. “A theme is very helpful for the guests, for the host and for the mom-to-be to navigate the party.” It might be helpful for guests choosing items like stuffed animals or color-coordinated non-registry items that might match a nursery or party decor.

Should you always purchase from the registry?

Similar to a wedding registry, a baby shower registry is a guide for loved ones looking to buy the parents-to-be a gift. It is very considerate to take the registry into accountafter all, the gifts have been researched and included for a reason. But you can always go off-registry, Parker says. “Many people will tell you that the most appropriate thing is to consider the registry, but only a certain percent of people truly go through the registry. Any beautiful and thoughtful gift will be appreciated.”

Need some gift inspiration? The most needed gifts tend to be diapers and wipes, bath supplies, on-the-go gear and more. If you’re buying baby clothes, consider purchasing in larger sizesyou don’t know how big the baby will be at birth, and little ones tend to outgrow clothes quickly. And of course, don’t forget gifts for the mom-to-be! A spa session or postpartum recovery kit could be a nice option.

What’s a sprinkle, and who can have one?

A sprinkle is a “term we use when hosting a smaller and less formal gathering for a pregnant person who is expecting their second or third child,” says Parker. “It’s a less elaborate celebration with family and friends with a casual flair.”

About the expert

• Maryanne Parker is the founder and executive director of Manor of Manners, a company that specializes in luxury etiquette teachings. She has almost a decade of experience in helping the interests of luxury brands, businesses and individuals. She is also the author of two books, The Sharpest Soft Skill and Posh Overnight.

Source:

• HuffPost: “Baby Showers, Now and Then”

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“I’ve interviewed hundreds of people over the years, and I can tell you that the thing that sets apart a great candidate from a good candidate is preparation,” says Cynthia Banks, a professor of business at the University of ColoradoBoulder who was the CEO of a global education company for more than 20 years. “The interview is not something you want to wing.”

To help you prepare for this important moment, we talked to experts to get you the lowdown on what to say in an interview (and want to avoid saying). If you’re not getting hired, your grasp of business etiquette and digital etiquette may need some fine-tuning. Keep reading to learn top-notch job-interview etiquette advice from the people doing the hiring.

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What to say at the beginning of an interview

The wait is over. The hiring manager has invited you into the office, and now it’s time to wow ’em. (And, you know, not sweat through your shirt.) Here’s what to say in an interview that’s just begun.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’ve really been looking forward to this interview. It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

Small talk and pleasantries are expected in business settings, so you need to know how to introduce yourself in an interview. Practice saying your introduction while offering a firm handshake, Banks says.

“Be upbeat and calm,” she says. “But don’t stress about it too much. We know people get nervous doing interviews, and most interviewers will be accommodating.”

This is a little more awkward when your interview is on Zoom, and you should practice with your equipment before your interview so you don’t spend your opening minutes asking if the other person can hear you or worrying about the lighting, she adds.

“When this position opened up, I jumped at the chance to apply. I have a background in X, and I know the company is doing exciting things moving that field forward.”

If your interviewer asks why you are interested in working for their company or how you heard about the job, you should have your “elevator pitch” ready and practiced, says Dave Johnson, a hiring manager with 12 years of experience in a wide variety of industries, including tech, health care, telecommunications and the service industry.

“When you’re job searching, this pitch is a tool you should always have in your pocket. You should highlight a bit of your relevant career experience and how that led you to apply for this position,” he explains. “This is a good time to frame yourself as the ideal candidate.”

He adds that you should keep your answers relatively short, between 30 seconds and a minute.

“I’ve admired this company for X, and I feel like my skills in Y will be a great fit for your current projects.”

Another popular early interview question is asking what interests you about the specific role you are applying for. Your answer to this question shows that you’ve done your research and thought about how your skills match the company’s needs, Johnson says.

“I like to hear why they are excited about the position, and I also like to get a high-level understanding of their experience to jog my memory about them or their resume before I start asking more questions,” he says.

Again, keep it briefbetween 30 seconds and a minute. Talking too long is one of the bad work habits you should avoid.

“I’ve lived in New York for five years, I have two dogs and I am taking a night class to become a pastry chef because I love baking.”

“Tell me a little bit about yourself” is the standard icebreaker in interviews, and how you answer it can set the tone for the rest of the meeting, so it’s a good idea to prepare a response. (The “tell me about yourself” example answer above is a good template.)

“Tell me three things about yourself that are a little personal but not oversharing, and keep it under two to three minutes,” Banks says. She advises making your things relatable (like those having to do with food, travel, hobbies and pets) but not controversial (avoid religion and politics). At least one of those things should be memorable. “This helps me get to know you as a person.”

Under no circumstances should you read them your resume, she adds. Instead, assume the interviewer has read your resume, then work in your credentials and expertise throughout the interview. (Psst! Make sure you’re avoiding these common resume mistakes.)

“I love running and am training for a marathon. It’s been good for my physical endurance but also helps me practice my mental endurance and focussomething that I bring to my job as well. Hopefully, the job will give me fewer blisters!”

Another way to answer the “tell me about yourself” question is to take one of your personal facts and relate it to the job or the company in a positive way, says Rebecca Metts, the director of people at an aerospace company and a people-operations management consultant with more than 10 years of experience.

“I like it when people point out how their personality meshes with the role,” she says. “Keeping it lighthearted and adding a little appropriate humor will make you memorable.”

She adds that the interview is never the time to share a difficult life struggle, like a health or family crisis. Nor is it the time to disclose things about you that might negatively affect your ability to work, like a pregnancy or a chronic illness. If the interviewer asks you to share a time you struggled with something difficult, pick a fairly bland, work-related example, not a personal one, she adds. For instance, you might say, “When the client moved up the deadline by a month, I was really stressed out and wasn’t sure if we’d be able to do it. But I overcame that by …”

What to say in the middle of an interview

The discussion is heating up, and the hiring manager is moving beyond small talk into the nitty-gritty details of your past jobs and your work abilities. Here’s what to say in a job interview to impress the hiring manager.

“I learned a lot working at X company, but I’ve been looking for more opportunities to grow, and I’m excited to learn more about the field here at Y company.”

Asking why you left your last job is a pretty standard interview questionbut the interviewer isn’t looking for what your reason was as much as how you share it, Banks says. “Keep your answer vague and positive,” she says. “Resist the urge to criticize your previous employer. Even if it’s all true, it shows that you’re willing to trash talk others, and that says something about your character and work ethic.”

There’s a time and a place to complain politely, but your interview is not it. Instead of rehashing the past, she suggests keeping the conversation focused on your interest in this new opportunity or on what you hope to achieve if you’re changing careers.

“I have three years of experience with X software and have a portfolio I can show you to attest to my skills. I have only one year of experience with Y software, but that’s something I’ve always wanted to learn more about.”

There’s a fine line between underselling and exaggerating your skill set, but that’s the line you want to walk, Banks says. She adds that in her experience, women are more likely to undersell themselves, while men are more likely to exaggerate.

“You want to be humble and show that you’re teachable but also be confident,” she says. “Stand behind what you do know and emphasize that while also being honest about what you don’t.”

In the meantime, you can also do a little career cushioning by learning new skills that make you more marketable.

“One of my strengths is dealing with change in a fast-paced environment. An example of this is ”

Interviewers love to ask open-ended questions, but even if the question isn’t idealperhaps they ask you “Do you do well with change?”you should answer the question that’s asked and offer a little bit more detail, Banks says. There are lots of potential things to say in an interview, but the hiring manger wants more than one-word answers.

So don’t just answer “yes” or “no” to the above question; instead, answer and then elaborate on an example that shows, not just tells about, your expertise.

“Did I answer your question?”

Interview questions can get pretty involved and technical. For these in-depth questions, you want to make sure you’re answering the question completely and giving them all the info they need. One way to check is to simply ask them at the end of your answer.

“I really appreciate it when an applicant is self-aware and asks, ‘Did I answer your question?'” Johnson says. “Of course, don’t do this on every answer, but if you sense they aren’t following, it’s a good way to give the hiring manager a chance for clarity. This shows me they can read body language and are self and socially aware.”

“Your company is an industry leader in X. What’s the next move or the goal you’re working toward?”

It’s not just the interviewer who should be asking the questions! This interview is just as much about you getting to know the company, Banks says. Far from an etiquette mistake, asking questions of the hiring manager is actually a good thing.

“Businesspeople usually love talking about their company and will welcome the chance to share their vision with you,” she says. “I also love when people ask specific questions about the company because it shows that they’ve done their research and are truly interested in what we do.”

“I see that you value X. That’s also really important to me, as shown by ”

“Companies often put their values and mission statement on their website, and it’s not just throwaway jargon. They mean something,” Metts says. “Being able to say those back to the interviewer, and [articulate] how you share those values, shows that you did your research and that you’re a team player.”

This gives you a good opening to promote some of the qualities or skills that make you a great fit for the job, she adds. Reading up on a company before the interview is one of the top job-hunting tips from experts, and it’s a good way to avoid common job-hunting mistakes.

“I completed the pre-interview homework. Did you have any questions about my work?”

In this day and age, it’s quite common for companies to ask you to do some sort of homework. It can feel like a burden or just another hoop to jump through, but companies see it as an opportunity for you to show them a lot without taking up a lot of their time, Johnson says.

“People who complete the homework are showing they are motivated to get the job and are hard-working,” he says. “If you decline the homework, you likely will be declining the job, but you need to do what’s right for you.”

He adds that it’s important that, if you’re submitting work or a portfolio outside the interview, you make sure it shows all your own work.

What to say at the end of an interview

You’re almost done! The conversation is winding to a close. Here’s what to say in an interview to wrap up with a bang.

“I’d love to follow up on something you said earlier. May I ask a question about X?”

The end of the interview is your time to ask for any clarifications, Johnson says. In fact, not asking any questions is one of those so-called polite habits that job interviewers actually dislike.

“I expect candidates to ask me at least a couple of questions at the end of the interview,” he says. “I like the questions more when they are based on things we’ve talked about because it shows they are listening.”

“I really enjoyed speaking with you about X!”

Interviewers are people too, and they appreciate positive feedback. “As long as you are speaking the truth, I feel it’s good to let them know you enjoyed the conversation, especially some specific part about the conversation, because that makes the person feel good, and then they may like you more,” Johnson says. “You know, positive psychology!”

In addition to making you more likable, giving a compliment also shows your people skills and your ability to focus and retain informationall talents that are likely critical to the job you’re applying for.

“What’s the next step in the process?”

Sometimes the interviewer will volunteer what you should expect to happen next, but if they don’t, it is OK to ask, especially if that was not clearly laid out at the beginning of the interview process, Johnson says. “I would not ask for specific timelines, as it can make the interviewer feel pressured,” he adds.

“I love what I’ve heard today, and I hope you enjoyed meeting me as well. I’d love to meet again to discuss this further.”

Regardless of how you feel it went, close the interview with a positive statement and an offer to meet again, Banks says. “This keeps the door open for a second interview without you asking for it outright, which can be seen as presumptuous,” she says.

“I’d love to learn more about working for this company and how I can contribute.”

The end of the interview is not the time to bring up salary, benefits or vacation timeall of those should be left until the negotiating phase, Johnson says. (Speaking of money, there are certain things you shouldn’t say when asking for a raise either.)

By broaching those topics too early, you risk jumping the gun or making it seem like you care more about the compensation than the job. Of course, the compensation is a huge part of why you’re interested in the job (after all, we work to pay the bills), but there will be a time to discuss all that, and the end of the interview isn’t the time, Banks says.

Another reason to let details like salary go for now? In larger companies, the people doing the interviewing may not know that information yet, Johnson says.

About the experts

• Cynthia Banks, MS, is a professor of business at the University of ColoradoBoulder. She was the CEO of a global education company for more than 20 years and now works as a career coach and runs a consulting business.
• Dave Johnson is a hiring manager with 12 years of experience working in a wide variety of industries, including tech, health care, telecom and the service industry.
• Rebecca Metts is the director of people at an aerospace company and a people-operations management consultant with more than 10 years of experience.

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The dos and don’ts of taking an Uber

Ubers are, well, ber convenientthe concept combines the best of public transportation and hiring a private driverbut like any good union, it also requires a lot of compromise on both sides. That starts with an understanding of the polite habits most people dislike.

“I had an Uber driver recently who put a potent air freshener on the air vent in the back by me,” says Nanette Paddock of Boston. “I understand he was just trying to be nice and make the car smell better, but I don’t like artificial smells, and I knew it was going to make the whole ride miserable for me.”

Unsure of the etiquette rules, she at first tried to ignore it, because she didn’t want to bother him or make him feel bad, but several minutes into the ride, she finally spoke up, saying, “Hey, I prefer my air plain. Do you mind if I take this air freshener out?” The driver honored her request but politely told her he would have preferred if she’d spoken up at the beginning of the ride. Despite their best intentions, both rider and driver ended up feeling not-so-great about the experience, she says.

This super-polite exchange highlights a conundrum many rideshare users face these days, says Valerie Sokolosky, an etiquette expert and the author of Do It Right!, a comprehensive etiquette guide. “Drivers and riders, we’re all trying to do our best and be polite, but it doesn’t always come across as we intend,” she says. (Not to mention the fact that we want to maintain good passenger ratings on Uber so drivers accept our booking requests!) Just as there are some “nice” things drivers do that passengers don’t appreciate, there are some “polite” things riders do that get in the way of drivers doing their jobs or are just plain annoying, she says.

We’ve talked to Uber drivers about whether you should tip your Uber driver (yes!) and the top Uber scams, and now we’re getting the scoop on passengers’ top etiquette mistakesnamely, which “polite” habits actually drive them nutsand what to do instead.

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Onboard etiquette

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One fateful night at the grocery store, I was waiting for the cashier to finish ringing up my groceries when she suddenly chirped, “Oh, when are you due?” She pointed at my admittedly large tummy.

“With this baby? About two weeks ago,” I said with a laugh and pointed out my infant daughter in the carrier on my arm. Clearly, I still looked pregnant. I’m not the only woman who has had to field awkward questions about her womb”Are you pregnant?” and its cousin “When are you due?” are some of the most commonly asked. I didn’t take it too personally, but the interaction didn’t leave me feeling so great. The cashier was pointing out my extra weight and flabby tummy, after all.

These types of questionsintended to be harmless small talk but actually kind of rudeare very common, says Jeff Temple, PhD, a licensed psychologist and professor at the University of Texas Medical Branch. “Human beings are naturally curious about others, which sometimes leads them to ask inappropriate questions, often without thinking through it first,” he says.

When talking to others, you’re mindful of aging etiquette and weight etiquette. But there are also etiquette rules for what to say when someone lobs a rude comment your way. Read on for expert tips on how to gracefully answer an offensive question.

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Love it or hate it, small talk is a necessity

If you cringe at the idea of making small talk, you’re not aloneand you may be missing out. “Small talk gets a bad rap sometimes as being boring or pointless, but chatting about everyday things with others builds the little connections that keep a community strong,” says Jeff Temple, PhD, a licensed psychologist and professor of community health at the University of Texas Medical Branch. “We all have a need to feel seen and heard, even if that’s just by the person at the coffee shop.”

But there are times when even well-intended small talk can go really wrong. An incident that happened a few years ago in a Costco checkout line will live in my mind forever: A kind-looking woman noticed my three rambunctious boys and asked if they were brothers. When I said they were, she replied, “Oh, but they all look so different! Do they have the same dad?” An awkward silence followed while I tried to figure out how best to answer that question. I have no doubt that she was just trying to make polite small talk and compliment my kids, but her question implied things about my fertility, my relationship history, my sex life and other impolite topics.

And that’s the problem: Sometimes small talk intended to be polite ends up being the oppositeand it can happen to the nicest people! Worrying about possibly offending someone may lead you to avoid small talk altogether, fearing that you’re “bad” at it, but you don’t need to stress, says Temple. “Small talk is a valuable skill, and anyone can learn it by following a few simple guidelines.”

Knowing the proper etiquette for small talk is just as important for maintaining healthy relationships as it is for talking about aging and mental health. So what are those etiquette rules, exactly? Our experts break it down for you, sharing the subtle missteps you might be makingand what to say instead, including the best conversation starters.

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What is netiquette?

Just like it sounds, netiquette is etiquette on the net. Even though online platforms can seem like the Wild West at times, there’s no need to add to the chaosthe digital world still requires rules of conduct. We’ve asked two experts to give us their most important rules of the web.

Parent, don’t sharent

“I think the most important rule for me is that as a parent, do not share your children’s pictures or private information online,” says Jennifer Zhu Scott, a technology executive and mom of two. Because of user agreements, even when you post to a private account on platforms such as Facebook or Instagram, that content is no longer yours, she says. Additionally, others can screenshot or download your pictures and posts without you knowing.

When your kids become adults, they can decide what content to share about themselves, but it’s not fair to make those decisions for them while they’re still children. Even on her private Instagram account, which is only visible to close friends and family, Zhu Scott never posts pictures of her children. “I can’t emphasize this enough: Honor your children’s will when they can actually make their decision (about) what kind of digital presence they want as adults,” she says. “Don’t take that away by posting pictures out there without their consent.”

Use respectful language

It’s important to remember that everything you do online leaves a digital footprint. If you wouldn’t say something or use certain language in person, then refrain from doing it online. Using common etiquette, including no name-calling, cursing or writing anything deliberately offensive, is all wise, whether you’re writing an email, social media post or conversing in chat rooms.

Keep an eye on privacy

“Privacy is freedom,” says Zhu Scott. “It’s always easier to share than to take information back, so think twice before you share.” Beyond improving your online security and avoiding sharing your data to online scammers, you must also keep in mind new technologies, such as artificial intelligence, which can use photos and audio that we give away for free on our social media accounts.

In the near future, “I think it will be a complete privilege” for a person to not have images of their lives online, she says. Via user agreements and data brokers, “some third parties can use your voice, your face and your image to create something completely against your will.” So now might be the time to take a hard look at what you’re putting out there.

Fact check before reposting

We’ve all been there: We see a piece of incendiary content and our first urge is to take action and share. “It’s super easy to get your blood boiling, but often what we see could be taken out of context,” says Zhu Scott. Headlines and social posts may be written in an attempt to anger users and keep their attentionnot for some lofty purpose, but to make more money, she continues. “When people get angry, they tend to interact with each other more. And the more attention [someone] can create, the more revenue dollars a [piece of] social media content can generate.”

Proper netiquette says to pause and fact check. With growing concerns about misinformation and disinformation, it’s best to look at everything with a critical eye, says James Halbert, who studies online interactions and is an associate professor in industrial organization and psychology at Adler University. “When you’re finding information online, always go to the source.” For Halbert and his students, that means tracing claims back to peer-reviewed articles, rather than relying on Wikipedia. “It’s good to keep a watchful eye on that material. It may not be true.”

Additionally, Zhu Scott says to remember that the online world is international. A piece of content may have a cultural context you’re not familiar withso think before you jump to conclusions. “People have a tendency to use their own lens to judge other people without appreciating the cultural context,” she says. “Don’t judge too quickly.”

Debate like a gentleperson

If it’s a controversial topic you’d avoid at Thanksgiving dinner, consider avoiding debating about it online. But if it’s something you feel strongly about, there are certainly ways to debate respectfully. While online debates can be notoriously trickyhence the term “flame wars”Zhu Scott says you don’t necessarily have to shy away from participating. “I think having a debate on issues is a wonderful thing,” she says, as long as you’re open to learning.

Instead of trying to overwhelm others with superior opinions, think of it as an exercise in mutual listening, where the desired result is that everybody learns more about the truth. Good online debate netiquette means “holding the spirit to seek for truth, even if the truth is very different from what I originally thought,” Zhu Scott says.

If you want to speak up in a cordial way about a troubling post, a good place to start is asking where the information came from, Halbert says. “It’s a way of challenging something without saying, ‘Hey this is wrong,'” Halbert says. “You have to take your emotion out of it,” and focusing on whether the content is factual helps to do so.

Take it offline

If someone is offended by something you’ve posted or by a comment you’ve made, and you can sense things may become heated, Halbert has a simple netiquette rule: Take it offline. “I would call my friend up and say, Hey, dude, what’s going on?” he says. When responding to a negative comment, rather than having a drawn-out fight on social media for the whole world to see, Halbert recommends trying to “resolve the issue as solidly as possible.” And to do that, he says, it’s better to pick up the phone.

“The problem is we don’t call people anymore,” he says. Posts and emails can be misconstrued because it’s hard to convey and detect tone. Perhaps your friendor youdidn’t understand how the post or comment was intended. A phone call can clear that up quickly, Halbert says.

Don’t confuse adding friends for being a good friend

We may feel connected to distant family members or to old friends because we see their new posts, but “it’s a false sense of connection,” says Halbert. “We don’t know what they’re struggling with. You know that when you talk to them on the phone every day, when you have a personal relationship with them,” he says.

Research has shown that, especially for Generation Z, while socializing online can create a sense of connection, it can also elicit a sense of isolation, says Halbert. That’s because we tend to compare the overwhelmingly positive posts we see with our own more nuanced livesand feel that we fall short. It’s important to remember that online connections cannot replace community and building in-person relationships, Halbert says. If the internet is your primary way of connecting with people, that’s very dangerous.

Be professional, even on your personal account

Not following netiquette rules can be just as damaging as rsum mistakes. If your personal account is public, or if you only have one account for both professional and personal interactions, recognize how these two worlds are connected. When you express yourself on social media, you should be aware of business etiquette because “you’re not always representing yourself, you’re representing a lot of other people, especially as a professional,” Halbert says. Before posting something, he always considers the context and readers.

Another solution is to maintain a public professional account and a personal one only visible to a small group of trusted friends and family, says Zhu Scott, who has opted for this approach. “Sharing too much personal, sensitive information can be inappropriate and risky,” she says. Even if you’re a social media influencer, she says, “be smart about it, be strategic.”

Choose connections wisely

This netiquette rule can protect your privacy and professional image. Be careful about who you connect with, both experts say. Zhu Scott says she has learned how to say no: She’s constantly turning down friend requests with a polite message explaining why.

As for Halbert, “I’m very careful with whom I connect,” he says. Rather than adding anyone who asks, he maintains a LinkedIn network of connections with students, colleagues and professionals in his field whose work he admires. Rather than following particular content creators, he follows professional organizations.

Interact sparingly

You may feel pressured to like everything that friends or professional connections post, just to be polite. But Halbert advises the opposite. First, liking or commenting on a post will encourage a platform’s algorithm to show you more posts by that person or similar content, which works against you if you’re using your account to stay abreast of what colleagues or friends are doing. But more important, most platforms will tell your entire network that you’ve liked a post and, for better or worse, that can become the basis for judgment, especially if it’s controversial or even an Instagram scam or Facebook scam. Halbert reserves likes for professional work he truly admires.

Keep it simpleand stress-free

One netiquette rule that can help set boundaries for your own well-being is to consider reducing the number of social media accounts you use. “You don’t realize that’s an extra stressor you’re putting in your life,” Halbert says. “When you’ve got multiple accounts, you have to check this one, you’ve got to check that one, you’re afraid of leaving someone out, people are waiting on your response, what do they think about your response?” All of this adds extra stress.

Despite the fact that his research focuses on the online world, Halbert himself has only one social media account: his LinkedIn. He knows he would have more connections if he put his personal life across various social media platforms, but for him, that’s a small price to pay for less stress.

About the experts

• Jennifer Zhu Scott is the CEO of IN. Capital, an investment company that focuses on artificial intelligence and deep tech. Her TED talk on how she handled her children’s smartphone use has more than 3.3 million views.
• James Halbert is an associate professor at Adler University, where he directs the graduate program in industrial organization and psychology. In February 2023, he and colleagues published the book Community Engagement in the Online Space. He also investigates social media and its effects on stress.

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Nail-salon etiquette mistakes

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Dont make these hotel etiquette mistakes

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“This is your first impression as a couple and your first chance to show how much consideration you have for your loved ones,” says Heather Wiese, a Dallas-based etiquette expert and the founder of Bell’Invito Stationers. “It’s worth putting some time and thought into the invitation details, but more important, it’s worth getting expert guidance to help you put your best foot forward and learn something as a couple.”

Turns out, there are a lot of etiquette standards to be aware of when it comes to addressing and sending out wedding invitations. These rules can be a little overwhelming to anyone planning a wedding for the first time, which is why I turned to etiquette experts to learn the ins and outs. Together, they helped me sum up the top wedding invitation etiquette rules to follow, as well as the mistakes and faux pas you should avoid. Read on for their top tips, from wedding etiquette customs for addressing the envelopes to sharing details about requested wedding attire.

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Send out invites at least 8 to 12 weeks in advance

When it comes to wedding invitation etiquette, the first rule of thumb is that “the more advanced warning you can give, the better,” says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute.

Jackie Vernon-Thompson, founder and president of From the Inside-Out School of Etiquette, agrees. “Considering that everyone has different schedules and circumstances, it is always advisable to give the guests ample time to make arrangements and gather the necessary funds for airline tickets, hotel accommodations, etc.,” she says. “You certainly don’t want to cause your guests to experience anxiety trying to hurriedly meet a deadline.”

Post recommends sending save-the-dates between six months and a year in advance, depending on how far your guests may need to travel. A good time range for mailing the invitations themselves is 8 to 12 weeks (about two to three months) ahead of your wedding date, she says. If you did not send out save-the-dates and most guests would need to travel to your wedding, Wiese suggests sending invitations at least 10 to 12 weeks out.

Place the most important information on the front

The front of your wedding invitation should share only the most important information about your wedding. “You want to be really clear about who is being invited by whom, to what event, when and where,” Post says. Wedding tradition dictates that the bride’s and groom’s first, middle and last names are on the invitation, and the bride’s name is listed before the groom’s. The message should also include the date, time and location of your wedding.

Although some couples might choose to include a link to their wedding website at the bottom of the invitation, any additional detailslike the address of the reception, suggested wedding attire or even directionsbelong on a separate card. That’ll help you avoid cluttering the invitation. (More on that later!)

Post notes that certain language can help indicate where the wedding will take place. For example, using the phrase “honor of your presence” customarily means the ceremony will be at a house of worship, while using the phrase “pleasure of your company” often suggests the wedding will be located at a more casual venue, like an outdoor space.

Include RSVP instructions

Aside from details about your wedding itself, two of the most essential pieces of information to include with your invitation are instructions for how to RSVP and the date by which guests should do it. Omitting that information will cost you significant time, money and stress, according to Vernon-Thompson. You’ll have to either reprint and resend the invitation or contact guests to provide an update.

“Having to communicate this pertinent information via text, email or phone call makes it clear that you failed to add this information in the invitation envelope, and you were not thorough,” she says.

Stumped by the RSVP date? According to experts, you should choose a date no later than three to four weeks before your wedding to allow time for the caterer and other vendors to make the proper arrangements. Guests should also have at least two to three weeks to get a reply back to you after receiving the invitationanother reason it’s important to send out invitations within the recommended time window, Wiese says.

Vernon-Thompson recommends making the RSVP process as convenient as possible for your guests. For example, you can include self-addressed and pre-stamped envelopes with the invitations to make it easy for guests to mail the RSVP, or you can create a spot for guests on your wedding website to either accept or politely decline the invite.

Use a separate card for additional details

If you want to share additional details about your weddingsuch as transportation or lodging informationexperts recommend including a separate card, perhaps smaller than the actual invitation, inside the envelope. “This is a great way to inform guests about details regarding your wedding, give directions [and] talk about attire, children and anything else that might not be right for the memorable wording of the invitation card itself,” says Wiese.

There is also a practical reason you should use a separate card rather than printing this info on the back of the invitation. “When higher-end invitations are specially printed, such as those my team and I create at Bell’Invito, there is what is referred to as a bruise on the back of the card,” which prevents printing on that side, Wiese says. “While this may sound negative, it is actually the telltale sign that a high-quality print method was used, so it’s the desired result. This is why adding an insert card is usually preferred.”

Don’t add a link to your wedding registry

The biggest faux pas when it comes to wedding invitation etiquette? Sharing your wedding registry information on the invitation. “This moves the focus from ‘I want to invite you to this major milestone moment in my life’ to ‘I really want to make sure you know exactly where to go to get me a gift,'” Post says.

She suggests directing people to your wedding website from your invitation instead. In addition to the link to your registry for wedding gifts, the website will offer information that is relevant to your guests, including transportation and hotel blocks. This makes it more appropriate to share on your invitation than a registry, according to Post.

Registry information is also fine on invitations issued by hosts of your shower and any other parties not hosted by your immediate family, according to Wiese. That means the host of your engagement party can mention your registry for engagement gifts. “The role of the family is to graciously invite and accommodate guests,” she says. “Gifts are, of course, customary but not a transactional requirement of attendance or being invited [to the wedding].”

Include the official start time for the event

Although it may be tempting to put a start time on your wedding invitation that’s slightly earlier than the actual go time (you know, to avoid tardy guests), experts advise against it. “If you start messing with the time too much, it could backfire on you,” Post says. Many weddings tend to run late, so guests who were told to arrive earlier could get antsy and frustrated if they are stuck waiting.

Instead, she suggests pulling aside any guests who you know tend to brush off proper party etiquette and run late; ask them to arrive a little bit early if they can. Otherwise, there is not much you can do to avoid non-punctual guests. “Those who happen to be tardy will miss a portion of the ceremony,” Vernon-Thompson says. “As they say, ‘The show must go on!'”

Keep the wording clear and simple

There is nothing wrong with a creative design, graphics and even wording on your invitationsbut make sure your creativity doesn’t come at the cost of good grammar and a clear message. “I love a unique, creative, cleverly worded invitation, but this can and should be done well, without showing a lack of education,” Wiese says.

This can become an issue when couples try to get clever with the language for suggested attire at the event. The instructions end up being unclear, confusing and annoying to their guests, Wiese says. If you want a more creative invitation, she recommends working with an expert who can help you with the design without compromising on a clean and straightforward message. Your wedding planner may be able to act as a sounding board if you’re questioning the clarity of the wording.

Address guests by their titles

Addressing the envelopes is another important part of the process, so don’t overlook wedding invitation etiquette at this stage. Vernon-Thompson advises couples to do diligent research on each guest’s first and last names, as well as any honorifics or titles, such as Dr., Chief, Pastor, Reverend and so on. No matter how formal or casual your wedding will be, “that invitation should speak for you and represent you as a couple,” she says. “It is the first impression of your nuptials.” And you never want the first impression to be a misspelled name or mistaken title.

Double-check the details

Make sure your spelling, verbiage, grammar, structure, addresses and any other pieces of information on the invitations, cards and envelopes are correct before sending them out. Wiese says that mixing up grammar, dates, titles and formality is one of the biggest mistakes she sees couples make on wedding invitations.

To ensure this doesn’t happen to you, ask two or three other people to read the invitations and point out any typos or errors. Vernon-Thompson recommends double-checking your website address and any other links that will appear on the invitation. “It is not the classiest thing to share links for this or that and the links do not work,” she says.

Don’t feel obligated to give everyone a plus-one

Plus-ones are some of the trickiest wedding invitation etiquette situations to navigate. According to Vernon-Thompson, proper etiquette calls for you to invite a guest’s spouse or significant other if they are in a long-term, committed relationship. “Apart from those two categories, the plus-one is at the couple’s discretion,” she says.

She suggests making the number of guests who are invited clear on the RSVP cardor addressing the invitation with the names of the gueststo leave no room for guessing or misunderstandings. Language such as “Mr. and Mrs. Doe” or “The Doe Family” makes it clear that you are inviting just the couple or the entire family.

If someone asks you if they can bring a plus-one, there are a few ways to politely say no. “It’s an awkward moment, but it doesn’t have to be one to handle without confidence,” Post says. She recommends being honest and clear by saying something like “I’m sorry, but no, we can’t accommodate a plus-one. I hope you’ll understand.”

Need advice on navigating other tricky wedding etiquette situations? We’ve got you covered with tips on how to say no to kids at a wedding, how to follow proper wedding gift etiquette and how to write the perfect wedding wishes for someone’s big day.

About the experts

• Heather Wiese is a Dallas-based etiquette expert and the founder of Bell’Invito, a stationery company that designs luxury wedding invitations.
• Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of renowned etiquette expert Emily Post and the co-president of the Emily Post Institute. She co-hosts the institute’s weekly podcast, Awesome Etiquette, and has published several books on etiquette, including Emily Post’s Etiquette, The Centennial Edition.
• Jackie Vernon-Thompson is a certified etiquette expert and the founder and president of From the Inside-Out School of Etiquette in Miami. She trains and certifies aspiring etiquette consultants around the world through her five-week certification course. She is the author of Transformative Etiquette: A Guide to Love and Refining Self.

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There are certainly modern etiquette rules that are newer to business settings, such email etiquette and digital etiquette. But many old-school business guidelines are still just as vital to success in the workplace as ever before, such as good listening and conversational skills, punctuality and appropriate dress. “The game may have changed, but the players remain the same,” says etiquette expert Lisa Grotts. “Good manners don’t cost a dime, but bad ones can be very costly.”

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What is business etiquette?

According to expert Diane Gottsman, business etiquette is a code of standards between employers, employees and clients. “Relationships, both in person and virtual, are supported by a set of standards that emphasize respect,” she says. And even though many of those standards have loosened over time, it’s no less important to practice good business etiquette today.

Think of practicing good business etiquette as practicing your soft skills, which are just as important as the hard skills needed for any particular job (things like good written and verbal communication, collaboration and creativity). “Etiquette is the sharpest soft skill that we can use not only in social situations but quite often in our business endeavors,” notes etiquette expert Maryann Parker. “We refer to good manners as good business and place a lot of importance on soft skills as a management tool. Honing soft skills is a crucial element of achieving professional success.”

So, what are the business etiquette rules you should be aware of today? Our experts gave us their most important work etiquette pointers that will help you stand out from the crowd.

Practice respectful communication

“Use courteous language, avoid anything inflammatory and offensive and be a good listener,” Grotts says. It’s also important to be aware of your body language. Making good eye contact, keeping your arms unfolded and maintaining a relaxed posture signals to another person that you are open and approachable. Follow that with appropriate language, vocabulary, tone of voice and a positive attitude, and you’ll be golden.

Listen well

Listening skills are underrated these days, especially in a world dominated by virtual meetings, where it’s easy to not be fully present and engaged in the conversation at hand. Practice listening well and allowing others to complete their thoughts without cutting in. “Interrupting people while they are talking, finishing their sentences impatiently and correcting them in a superior manner shows bad business etiquette,” says Parker. “Give opportunity to people to present themselves, and learn about their viewpoint.”

Be punctual

Never, ever be late. Period. If that takes perfecting your time-management skills, then do so. “When you’re tardy, it says that your time is more important than everyone else’s. It’s not,” says Grotts. Show up on time, every time.

Dress appropriately

Appropriate dress guidelines have fluctuated and loosened, especially in the wake of more flexible work arrangements. That being said, there are still some rules to abide by, including not showing up to a Zoom meeting in your bathrobe or pajamas. What’s a good rule of thumb? Always look put together. “Dress codes should not be taken for granted,” says Gottsman. “When you take pride in the way you look, and how others perceive you, it strengthens your own confidence and self-esteem.”

Use good table manners

Depending on your industry, it’s possible that formal business lunches and dinners are a thing of the past. But whether you’re taking a client to a restaurant or grabbing lunch with colleagues during the workweek, having good table manners, knowing the proper tipping etiquette and understanding basic place settings is important. “Dining skills are not to show someone you are better than they are, but to make others comfortable to be around you,” says Gottsman. “You can spend your time and attention on the conversation rather than worrying about what glass is yours.”

Go on camera during virtual meetings

It can be so easy to toggle the “camera off” option during a virtual meetingmaybe you’re having a bad-hair day or you haven’t taken the time to throw on a polished WFH top. But if you’re going to take regular virtual meetings, it’s important to act as if you’re in person.

Follow video conference etiquette

Video conferences introduce certain limitations that you wouldn’t get in an office conference room, such as lag time, internet speed, mute buttons and side chat boxes. So Zoom etiquette rules look a little different. Mute your microphone when you’re not speaking, notify others when you’d like to speak (if you’re not leading a meeting) and ensure what you’re saying is as clear as possible.

“Always introduce yourself,” says Parker. “Speak clearly and loud enough for everyone to be able to hear you. Don’t interrupt with questions, don’t speak over other people and wait for your turn. If you are taking notes, inform others, because sometimes while taking notes, it looks as if we are doing something not related to the call. And don’t eat or drink.” You’ll also want to make sure your background looks professional, which means no messy beds.

Use appropriate digital communication

Email, phone call and texting etiquette are vital. “Always be mindful of your tone, wording, length, volume and use,” says Grotts. “All of these things can be interpreted in a negative way because there is no face-to-face contact.”

Avoid gossip and office drama

Even if you’re not in a physical office, avoid gossiping with your colleagues. This means steering clear of rumors, false information, poking fun at colleagues or discussing someone else’s confidential or personal information, all signs of a toxic workplace. Setting clear personal and professional boundaries, ignoring gossip and remaining neutral with your colleagues is good business etiquette.

Send thank-you notes

Sending thank-you notes never goes out of style. And while you can certainly send thank-you’s via snail mail, it’s also acceptable to send them via email today. “The written word is still an important part of a business tool kit,” says Gottsman. “Thank-you notes and notes of congratulations go a long way toward building strong relationships.”

Treat everyone with respect

At its core, business etiquette is about being respectful of the people you’re working with. “Building relationships is crucial to any business,” says Grotts. “Being polite and respectful is vital for successful collaborations and trust.”

About the experts

• Lisa Grotts is a certified etiquette expert with 23 years of experience helping clients deal with business, social and political situations. She is a former director of protocol for the city and county of San Francisco and a past member of the International Society of Protocol and Etiquette Professionals.
• Diane Gottsman is an etiquette expert, author, speaker and owner of The Protocol School of Texas, a company specializing in professional etiquette training. She has spent 20 years training business professionals, university students and individuals on how to navigate social and professional situations with confidence and ease.
• Maryann Parker is the founder and executive director of Manor of Manners, a company that specializes in international business, social, luxury and youth etiquette. She has almost a decade of experience in helping the interests of luxury brands, businesses and individuals. She is also the author of two books, The Sharpest Soft Skill and Posh Overnight.

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Saying no isn’t just an etiquetteskill, it’s a life necessity if you want to be happy and mentally healthy, says Gretchen Rubin, a happiness expert and the author of The Happiness Project and Better Than Before.

“Living someone else’s version of your life because you can’t say no is a tragedy,” she says. The solution? Setting boundaries. “Ultimately, saying no is making a boundary that protects both you and the other person,” she says. After all, saying yes to one thing means saying no to everything else. It tends to be a “polite” mistake. But by drawing boundaries, you can focus your time, energy and “yeses” on the things that are important to you.

Knowing what to say is one thing; actually learning how to say no is a lot tougher. Here’s how to do it.

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Why is it hard to say no?

“We all want to feel loved, valued and needed, and saying yes fills a lot of those basic human needs,” says Jeff Temple, PhD, a licensed psychologist and professor at the University of Texas Medical Branch. “We also all fear being rejected, left out or disappointing others.”

Your relationship with the person asking plays a big part in how compelled you may feel to say yes, he adds. Telling your mother no, for instance, probably feels a lot different than following gym etiquette and telling a stranger, “No, I’m not done with the weights.”

But perhaps the biggest reason it’s so tough to say no is because many of us simply weren’t taught how to do it, says Valerie Sokolosky, an etiquette expert, executive coach and author of eight etiquette books. “People often have trouble finding the right words to say no without sounding rude or mean,” she says. “Just like other types of etiquette, it’s a skill that gets better, and easier, with practice.”

When should you say no?

Knowing when to say no starts a long time before the question is even asked, Rubin says. “Take some time to list your values, then use those to make goals and define your priorities,” she says. “Once you know those things, it will be easier to draw boundaries to make sure you’re staying true to yourself.”

These situations will be different for each person, but a common problem Sokolosky hears often is work-life balance. For instance, if your priority is figuring out how to ask for a raise or getting a promotion within the year, then you may need to say no to certain family or friend obligations. But if your top priority is your family, then you likely have to learn to say no to your boss or colleagues.

Defining boundaries with family and loved ones can be tricky as well. Many people grew up with the idea that you must always be there for family. However, you can redefine what being there means for you, and sometimes that may mean saying no, Temple says. For instance, if you want to go to the family barbecue this weekend, you may have to turn down your friend’s offer to hang out the other nights of the week.

Different ways to say no

“Technically, ‘no’ is a whole sentence, and you don’t necessarily owe anyone an explanation,” says Temple. “But that can come across as abrupt, aggressive or cold. If you want to preserve the relationship or simply convey kindness, find a softer way to say it.” Whether you’re addressing it in person or following email etiquette or texting rules, here are some scripts for politelybut firmlysaying no.

• I really appreciate the offer, but I’m going to have to pass this time.
• Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it tomorrow.
• I’d love to come, but unfortunately I have a prior commitment that day.
• I’m so honored that you asked me, but I’m maxed out at the moment.
• It sounds lovely, but I won’t be able to make it. Maybe next time!
• You are so thoughtful to invite me; I’d love to meet up with you another day.
• I’m grateful for the opportunity, but I have to pass.
• I wish I could help, but I have a prior engagement.
• I’m sorry, but I have to respectfully decline.
• I’m flattered, but I have to say no this time.
• I really appreciate your offer, but I’m going to have to decline.
• It’s not you, it’s meit’s been an exhausting week, and I need some quiet time.
• Thanks for reaching out, that means a lot to me. Unfortunately I won’t be able to this time, but let’s stay in touch.
• I’m sorry, but I’m not available for that.
• I’m afraid I can’t make it work, but I appreciate the thought.
• Thanks, but no.

Tips for saying no

Feeling a little more confident now? Our experts shared some tips to help you define your boundaries and stick to themwithout feeling like a jerk. Here’s what you should know about saying no.

Do it in a timely manner

The longer you make people wait, the harder it will be to say no and the worse they will take it because you’re leaving them in limbo, Sokolosky says.

Buy a little more time

If someone puts you on the spot with a request, don’t feel like you have to give them an immediate answer. Sokolosky says it’s fine to simply say, “Let me think about that, and I’ll get back to you within 24 hours!”

Get to the point

One or two sentences is plenty to get your point across. Avoid giving lengthy excuses or arguing about your reasoning, Rubin says. “Your boundaries are not a debate.”

Be positive

Make a compliment sandwich, where you couch the negative between two positives, Temple says. For instance, “I’d love to come, but I’m already booked out that night. I’m so glad you reached out though, and I’m sure the event will be a huge success!”

Don’t say things you don’t mean

If a colleague invites you to coffee and you don’t want to hang out with them ever, don’t say, “Maybe another time!” Instead, Sokolosky suggests something like, “I really appreciate the offer, but I try to keep my work and personal life separate.”

Don’t be wishy-washy

Sounding unsure (saying things like “maybe I could make it work”) just gets people’s hopes up and gives them a reason to argue with you. If you’re sure it’s a no, then don’t beat around the bush, Rubin says.

Offer a little honesty

If you’re talking with a loved one, it’s okay to be vulnerable when explaining why you’re saying noit can even strengthen your relationship over time, Temple says. It’s not required, but saying something that helps them understand you better reduces the risk of them taking it personally. Here’s an example: “Your event sounds awesome, but I’m really struggling with some depression right now, and big events are too much. I’d love to hang out just the two of us after and hear all about it!”

Be grateful

Even if you’re not technically thankful that your boss is asking you to work over the weekend, a little gratitude goes a long way when saying no, Sokolosky says. “Thank you so much for the opportunity, but I already have plans this weekend and won’t be able to help out this time.”

Pay attention to your non-verbal communication

Remember that your tone of voice, eye contact, method of communication and body language are as important as the words you choose, Sokolosky says.

Just start

Perhaps the best tip that all our experts agree on, however, is to just start saying no. It won’t be easy, especially at first, but the more you practice holding your boundaries, the better you’ll get at it. And don’t forget: Saying no isn’t rude, it’s saving your time, money and energy for things you really want to do and things that align with your values and goalsyou know, like recovering from knee surgery!

About the experts

• Gretchen Rubin is the New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Project. She is an expert in happiness and shares her wisdom through her blog and public speaking.
• Jeff Temple, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, professor and the John Sealy Distinguished Chair in Community Health at the University of Texas Medical Branch. He’s the director of the Center for Violence Prevention and has more than 230 scholarly publications in a variety of high-impact journals, including JAMA.
• Valerie Sokolosky is an etiquette expert, executive coach and author of eight etiquette books, including Do It Right!a comprehensive etiquette guide. She is one of only 20 “master brand strategists” worldwide and has served on executive boards, including the prestigious Leadership America.

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Coffee (etiquette) talk

Americans drink about 491 million cups of coffee daily, and when the National Coffee Association asked adults when they last sipped some java, 65% said they’d drank it in the past day. As a recent study from the association reports, more than a third of them grabbed the beverage while out of the houseand a whopping 91% of people buy coffee away from home at least once a week. That’s a lot of customers going through coffee shops, and baristas are on the front lines every day.

Most of the time, the system runs like clockwork, and we all get our caffeine fixas we do our best to avoid rude coffee shop habits and follow etiquette rules, especially coffee shop etiquette. But one of the things Starbucks employees won’t tell you is that in addition to avoiding rude behavior, there are some specific “polite habits” that aren’t quite as courteous as you might think.

“I had an elderly gentleman who came in every day over summer break and was so kind but never tipped me. At the end of the summer, he asked to shake my hand and then slipped some money into my palm,” says Grace M., 20, a barista and university student in Salt Lake City. “He told me to put it toward my studies, and I could tell that it meant a lot to him to give it to me.” The catch? “It was $5. For a whole summer’s work. I said thanks, but it was a little hard to keep the smile on my face.”

Of course, you wouldn’t do that, but it’s easy to make polite mistakes. So we talked to baristas from all over the country to get the scoop on which “polite” habits actually drive them nuts or get in the way of them doing their jobsand what to do instead. From how to order at Starbucks to what to do if you show up at closing time, here’s what you need to know before you stop in for your next caffeine fix.

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It’s OKwe’ve got you! We asked etiquette experts, nail techs and salon owners to share exactly when, who and how much to tip at nail salons. Once you’re up to speed, make sure you know the proper tipping etiquette in other situations, like how much to tip your hairdresser,movers and hotel housekeeping.

Should you tip your nail tech?

Nail technicians are a part of the beauty service industry, and in the United States, it’s customary to tip service workers. They rely on tips to make a good portion of their income, so you should always plan to tip the person giving you a manicure or pedicure, according to Sharon Schweitzer, an international tipping etiquette expert. It’s good etiquette to tip at the end of each appointment, and if you have a long-standing relationship with a particular nail technician, consider offering a bonus tip at the holidays, Schweitzer adds. This tip also applies to dining etiquetteat a restaurant.

How much should you tip at the nail salon?

Fifteen to 20% of the total bill is the industry standard for how much to tip a nail tech, but this can vary between countries, regions and salons, says Sharon-Frances Moore, president of Shances, a New Yorkbased etiquette company. Not only that, but tipping amounts have changed drastically over the past two years. “During the COVID-19 pandemic, to help ease the financial strain of workers, there was an increase of people over-tipping for services in industries across the board,” says Moore. “We are now seeing an adjustment back to standard tipping, which for a nail technician, [regardless] of the service, is around 15 to 20%.”

For instance, how much do you tip for a $50 pedicure? Depending on your satisfaction, $7.50 is a standard tip, $10 is a good tip, and if your nail tech really went the extra mile, $13 is a great tip.

Jemma Wilson, a certified nail technician and the founder of Almond Nails, agrees, saying that tipping 15% of the total bill is the norm, but there are some placeslike resort towns or luxury spaswhere it may be higher. If you’re unsure, check out the salon’s website or give them a quick call before heading in.

Other tipping considerations at a nail salon

To avoid making etiquette mistakes, our experts offer some additional tips for tipping at nail salons:

• Try not to tip less than $5. If you’re only getting a nail polish color swap for $20, consider rounding up the tip to $5.

• If you’re using a coupon, discount voucher or gift card, base your tip on the normal price for the service.

• At the holidays, give your regular nail tech a tip that is roughly the same amount as your typical salon visit. Put the cash in an envelope with a nice note.

• If you’re a happy customer, in addition to giving your nail tech cash, consider leaving a glowing review online. This can be as meaningful and helpful to a salon as monetary tips.

Should you tip more for certain services?

Not all nail services require the same amount of work. For example, how much do you tip a nail tech for acrylics? And how much do you tip for gel nails? Those services are a lot more involved than a regular manicure. Here are a few times when you should consider tipping 25% or more, according to our experts:

• If your nails are in particularly rough shape.

• If you get any extras, like hand-drawn nail art or a longer hand massage.

• If you’re getting a full set of acrylic nails, gel nails, dip nails or other “nails” built from scratch (though tip fill-ins and touch-ups can be tipped the regular rate).

• If you ask them to replicate a complicated design you found online, like specialty fall nails, winter nailsor spring nails.

How much should you tip for a pedicure?

Toes are no different than fingers when it comes to nail care. That means you should follow the same etiquette for how much to tip for a pedicure15 to 20%says Wilson. If you’re on a tight budget, check out these simple steps for the perfect DIY pedicure at home.

Should you tip with cash?

Whenever possible, pay in cash, handing it directly to your nail tech. This ensures that the full tip goes to the person who did the work for you, and it avoids delayed payouts by salon owners, says Moore. Should you tip the owner of a nail salon? This isn’t necessary unless the owner is the person doing the work. If you want to help the salon owner, leave a glowing review online and refer other customers to the salon.

Should you tip if you don’t like your nails?

If you’re unsatisfied with your nails for any reason, step one is to discuss it with your nail tech and give them the option to fix it, says Wilson. Once the issue is fixed to your satisfaction, pay your standard tip or even a little bit more, since they went the extra mile, she suggests. If you’re afraid to say something in the salon, you should still tip but at the lesser end of the scale, like 10%.

“With all this being said, tipping is optional,” Wilson notes, “and if a customer is really unhappy or had a really bad experience, they can forgo tipping altogether.”

You can also escalate the problem to the manager or salon owner. Follow these etiquette tips for getting the best customer service.

Sources:

• Sharon Schweitzer, international etiquette expert and founder of Access to Culture
• Sharon-Frances Moore, president of Shances, a New Yorkbased business etiquette and coaching company
• Jemma Wilson, certified nail technician and founder of Almond Nails

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The dos and donts of going to the salon

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The dos and donts of bar etiquette

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The dos and don’ts of cleaning etiquette

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The type of table setting you choose indicates to your guests the level of formality of your event. It also signals to them that you value their presence and wish to go the extra mile to prepare a well-set table.

And while learning how to set a table for various situations is a good skill to have in your hosting arsenal,we know that a proper table setting can be intimidating. But as etiquette expert Maryann Parker notes, it’s just about making people comfortable. “We just need to know a few basic rules to be comfortable and never intimidated by the prospect of navigating the table setting,” Parker says. “For informal dining, we do not need the most expensive china to feel special, sophisticated and classy. We can easily improvise!”

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How to set a basic table

A basic table setting is the go-to approach for weeknight family dinners or casual outdoor gatherings. You don’t need much, says Parker, and this is the least formal option. The difference between a basic table setting and a more formal one is generally the number of utensils you see. You’ll want to include a plate, knife, fork, napkin and water glass. And here’s a pro tip: Regardless of your tablescape’s formality, don’t make this common etiquette mistake: “Knives are always presented on the right side and with the blade facing in. Forks are always placed on the left,” Parker says.

1. If you have them, start with a place mat or tablecloth to protect your table.
2. Place your dinner plate on the place mat.
3. Fold your napkin and position it to the left of the dinner plate.
4. Place your fork on top of the napkin.
5. Position your knife to the right of your plate (blade facing the plate).
6. Place your water glass on the table above your plate, slightly to the right.

How to set a casual table

Suppose you’re hosting an informal dinner party (likea Friendsgiving or something a bit more elevated than a weeknight family dinner). Advancing your table setting from basic to casual can mean including additional glassware in the form of a wine glass, upgrading your napkins from paper to linen or adding a salad plate and fork (and/or a soup bowl and spoon). “Everything is rather simplified,” notes Parker. While this is a bit more elevated, you are still not using charger plates, a white tablecloth or a variety of utensils.

“It doesn’t have to be a lot of work,” says etiquette expert Lisa Grotts. “You can still have a three-course meal and just have two forks and a soup spoon. The place setting itself doesn’t have to be intimidating.” Armed with that knowledge, here’s how to set a casual table.

1. Start with a place mat or tablecloth.
2. Place your dinner plate on the place mat.
3. If needed, add a salad plate and/or a soup bowl on top of the dinner plate.
4. Fold your napkin and position it to the left of the dinner plate.
5. Place your fork on top of the napkinremember, forks and napkins always go to the left!
6. If needed, position your salad fork to the left of the dinner fork.
7. Position your knife to the right of the dinner plate.
8. If needed, position your soup spoon to the right of the knife.
9. Place your water glass on the table, above and slightly to the right of your dinner plate.
10. Add a wine glass slightly above and to the right of the water glass.

How to set a formal table

Hosting a formal dinner party, wedding or an event that requires a formal RSVP? It’s time for a formal table setting. “Think birthdays, anniversaries, New Year’s Eve or any really special occasion,” Grotts says. A formal table setting will include far more utensils and plates than a basic or casual setting. In addition to your dinner plate and basic forks and knives, you’ll also find a bread plate and butter knife, a cup and saucer for coffee or tea, dessert utensils and possibly two (or three) types of wine glasses, in addition to your water glass. Since it’s more formal, it’s more likely that a formal tablecloth will be used instead of a more casual place mat.

“It’s more than just the place settings,” notes Grotts. “It’s the props toothe menu card, place card, special flowers, etc.” This is the time to let your creativity shine, and Parker agrees. “Flower arranging is a crucial element for a successful table setting.” Of course, when choosing flowers for your formal table, be sure to create lower arrangements that don’t block guests’ sightlines and flowers that are not overly scented. Here’s how you can set a formal table:

1. Cover your table with a crisply ironed tablecloth.
2. Place a charger down on the table.
3. Set your soup bowl on top of the charger (soup is typically the first course, followed by salad and then the main courseyour salad and subsequent main course would be brought out to you and set on the charger following the completion of your first course).
4. Position your bread plate slightly above and to the left of the charger.
5. Place your butter knife on the bread plate, with the blade facing in, toward the charger.
6. Place your napkin to the left of the charger.
7. Place your dinner fork on top of the napkin.
8. Position your salad fork to the left of the dinner fork.
9. Position your knife to the right of the charger.
10. Add your soup spoon to the right of the knife.
11. Right above the charger, position a dessert spoon horizontally, with the handle on the right side.
12. If guests will be using individual salt and pepper shakers, they can go above the dessert spoon.
13. If you’re using place cards, place them above the dessert spoon, in between individual salt and pepper shakers, if necessary.
14. Add your glassware. First, place your water glass slightly above and to the right of the charger. Then, add a red wine glass to the top right of the water glass. Last, add a white wine glass to the bottom right of the water glass. You might also add additional glassware, such as champagne or sherry glasses, if the occasion calls for it.
15. You can set your coffee cup and saucer on the table now, or you can bring it out when you serve dessert. If you set it out now, place it on the bottom right of the glassware.

FAQs

How do you set a table for lunch?

Having guests over for an informal luncheon? A lunch table setting can mimic your basic or casual table setting. Because it’s lunch, you’d likely omit the wine glasses and stick to a water glass for your drinkware.

What can you leave out of a formal table setting?

Both Grotts and Parker agree that there’s one element of a formal table setting that can be left in the cupboard: the finger bowl. Finger bowls are brought to the table at the time of the dessert course so guests can rinse their fingers. “They’re a thing of the past,” says Grotts. Parker also says that fish knives can be left in the cutlery drawer. “No one will be using a fish knife during an informal dinner, and in fact, it’s not even a proper utensil,” she says.

Where do forks go on a table setting?

Remember this: Forks always go on the left, no matter the formality of the place setting. With that in mind, knives always go on the right with the blade pointing in, and a soup spoon joins the knife on the right, if soup is part of your meal.

What’s the golden rule of table setting?

Both our etiquette experts agree: Utensils should always be placed in the order that they will be used, from the outside in. “I’m reminded of the movie Pretty Woman,” says Grotts. “You always work out to in when you’re eating.”

How do you remember where to put everything?

If you’re having trouble remembering where everything is supposed to go on your table, keep the BMW logo in mind, says Parker. That means (from left to right) bread, main course, water.” Or you can make a lowercase “b” and “d” with your hands. Bread on the left, drinks on the right.

About the experts

• Maryann Parker is the founder and executive director of Manor of Manners, a company that specializes in luxury etiquette teachings. She has almost a decade of experience in helping the interests of luxury brands, businesses and individuals. She is also the author of two books, The Sharpest Soft Skill and Posh Overnight.
• Lisa Grotts is a 23-year certified etiquette expert who helps clients and readers deal with business, social and political situations. Lisa is a former director of protocol for the city and county of San Francisco, a certified etiquette professional and a past member of the International Society of Protocol and Etiquette Professionals.

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Unlike other seafood, crawfish are generally assumed to be a regional specialty (crawfish season in Gulf Coast states is a time for celebration), but crawfish is available in seafood shops and specialty retailers across the country. You already know how to eat oysters, how to eat lobster and how to eat mussels (a seafood boil staple). If you want to enjoy an authentic Cajun meal, no matter your location, here’s how to eat crawfish.

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What are crawfish?

Scientifically speaking, crawfish (also known as crayfish, mudbugs or crawdads) are freshwater crustaceans that are closely related to lobsters and crabs. With their long bodies, 10 legs and pair of sturdy claws, they look a lot like lobsters. However, crawfish are significantly smaller, most growing no more than 3 inches in length.

While crawfish are enjoyed around the world (in China, they’re a popular street food, and in Sweden, crayfish parties are a popular late-summer tradition), they are most notably associated with the Cajun and Creole cuisines of Louisiana.

“Crawfish are the delicacy of the bayou,” says Chopped: Military Salutechampion and U.S. Army culinarian Sergeant First Class Brian Colvin. “I absolutely love crawfish, and so do my kiddos. My twin girls have taken to calling them the ‘pinchy bugs.’ Crawfish have a sweet and savory taste with a texture that is reminiscent of shellfish. Crawfish can take on many different flavorings depending on the seasoning added.”

How to eat crawfish

In Louisiana, crawfish boils are the traditional way of eating these succulent crustaceans. And much like barbecues, pig roasts or clam bakes, they’re more than just dinnerthey’re an entire event (one that might even come with an RSVP).

“The crawfish are cooked in a spicy and salty boiling water in large batches for large groups of people, usually 30 to 40 pounds at a time,” says chef Donald Link of Herbsaint restaurant in New Orleans. “After boiling, they are poured out onto large tables outdoors, and people gather around the table and stand and eat.” Want to learn how to eat crawfish like you’re down on the bayou? Follow these steps.

1. Peel the crawfish

Eating crawfish is a messy affair, and it requires you to dig in with your handsthat’s a food fact. First, hold the crawfish in one hand. Then use the other hand to twist the tail away from the body.

2. Suck the head (optional)

Depending on how long they’re cooked, some crawfish may have soft orange fat in their head, affectionately referred to as crawfish butter by connoisseurs. It’s technically a liver-like organ. If desired, this succulent fat can be sucked out of the head along with the crawfish’s natural juices. If you don’t want to try it, however, you can simply discard the head and go straight to enjoying the tail meat.

“In the western part of the state, the orange ‘fat’ in the head is scooped out and eaten with the tail meat,” says Link. “In New Orleans, the crawfish is cooked for so long that all fat in the head is usually dissipated by the time it’s eaten.”

3. Remove the shell

Pinch the tail at the point where it was attached to the crawfish’s body and gently squeeze; if the crawfish is cooked properly, the meat should easily slide right out of the shell.

4. Devein (optional)

Much like cleaning shrimp, you might see a thin, dark “vein” running down the back of the crawdad’s tail meat. This is part of its digestive system, and while some people like to remove it for aesthetic or squeamish purposes, it’s entirely safe to eat. If you’d like to devein your crawfish, run a small paring knife down the ridge, just deep enough to tease the vein out with the tip of your knife. Next, grab the vein with your fingers, pull it back and throw it away.

5. Eat the tail meat

Once you’ve removed the shell, you’re ready to eat! Crawfish are well seasoned while cooking, so all you need to do is pop them in your mouth and enjoyno dipping sauce required.

FAQs about eating crawfish

Even though crawfish boils are a beloved tradition, don’t worry too much about how to eat crawfish. “Honestly, there is no wrong way to eat crawfish,” says Colvin. “However you feel comfortable eating them is the proper way. As long as you enjoy the food and the friends you can never go wrong.” But if you’re still wondering about those little crustacean creatures, here are some more frequently asked questions.

What do crawfish taste like?

“Crawfish kind of taste like a lobster mixed with a shrimp,” says Link. “But it really depends on how it is seasoned in the boil and how long it is cooked. People in New Orleans prefer a longer cooking time, which makes the crawfish taste like the spicy water it is boiled in. The western and central parts of the state prefer a shorter cooking time, so the flavor of the crawfish is more evident.”

What part of crawfish do you eat?

Unlike lobsters and crabs, you can only really get substantial meat from the tail of crawfish,” says Colvin. “However, the heads are part of the eating tradition. An incredible amount of flavor is in the head, and it is one of my favorite parts of crawfish. My favorite way to eat them is by twisting the tails and sucking on the heads.”

What parts of crawfish can you not eat?

The only inedible part of a crawfish is the shell. Once you’ve removed the meat and fat from your crawdad, throw the shell away.

Where do you buy crawfish?

If you don’t live near a freshwater basin or bayou where you can get freshly caught crawfish, they can likely be purchased at your local fish market or in your supermarket’s seafood section. Much like shrimp, most commercially caught crawfish are flash-frozen almost immediately after they’ve been plucked from the water to retain freshness.

The reliable months for crawfish season (and when you’ll find the most crawfish boil events) are late February through May.

How do you cook crawfish?

“The possibilities are endless with crawfish,” says Colvin. “You can fry them, boil them, bake them or put them in a stew. Some of the most iconic ways to prepare them are in a craw-boil, etouffee, gumbo or jambalaya.”

In a traditional Louisiana crawfish boil, the cooking water is seasoned with a Cajun spice blend that normally includes cayenne pepper, paprika, coriander, mustard seeds and myriad other herbs and spices. You can also use Old Bay seasoning. Or for a true taste of the bayou, you can use a premixed spice blend straight from the Pelican State, like Cajun Land’s Complete Boil.

About the experts

• Sergeant First Class Brian Colvin is culinary school graduate, Cajun food expert and winner of Food Network’s Chopped: Military Salute.
• Donald Link is the James Beard awardwinning executive chef of the Link Restaurant Group in Louisiana and the author of Real Cajun: Rustic Home Cooking from Donald Link’s Louisiana and Down South: Bourbon, Pork, Gulf Shrimp & Second Helpings of Everything

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What are oysters?

Oysters are shellfish (bivalve mollusks, to be exact) that can be found in saltwater seas, estuaries and oceans around the world. Oyster shells are shucked (the method used to open the oyster to access the fresh meat inside), and they are popularly served raw on the half shell, but can also be battered and deep-fried, steamed, grilled or used in various seafood dishes, such as seafood pastas or chowder.

The insides of oyster shells are lined with a shiny, iridescent layer called “nacre,” better known to most jewelry aficionados as mother of pearl (it’s what some oysters use to make pearls). However, it’s important to note that not all oysters do this, which is why naturally harvested pearls are exceedingly rare.

How to eat oysters

If you’ve never tried eating freshly shucked oysters before, you’re in for a real treat. They’re salty, briny and taste a bit like the ocean. Here’s how to eat oysters.

1. Select your oysters

Unless you live in a seaside town where you can buy fresh oysters straight from the source, your first raw oyster experience should be at a reputable restaurant or seafood bar. This will allow you to taste a variety of oysters so you can determine your preferences. Most restaurant waiters will tell you the region where your oysters were caught.

Oysters from the West Coast are known for their subtle sweetness and strong briny flavor that can be reminiscent of cucumbers or melons. The waters of the Atlantic aren’t as salty as the waters of the Pacific, so East Coast oysters have a milder taste with a softer, more tender texture.

2. Loosen the oyster from the shell

First, use an oyster fork or another small utensil to gently lift the oyster from the shell, being careful not to spill any of the flavorful liquid, which is known as “oyster liquor.” This ensures the oyster meat has been fully detached from its shell. If your oyster has been professionally shucked, it should lift right up.

3. Dress your oysters (optional)

Oysters don’t need any help being delicious, which is why many people love slurping them directly out of their shells the moment they’re shucked. If it’s your first time eating oysters, try them plain so you can fully appreciate what they taste like naked. Once you understand their flavor, you can feel free to dress an oyster on its shell with sauces, seasonings and toppings.

Restaurants often present oysters on a bed of ice and with common accouterments, such as lemon wedges, hot sauce, cocktail sauce, mignonette sauce (a mix of vinegar, shallots and pepper) and horseradish.

4. Tilt and slurp

Tilt the shell straight into your mouth, letting the oyster meat and liquor slide into your mouth, just like you were taking a shot of alcohol. Take a few moments to savor the flavor, chewing lightly if you care tooysters are tender enough that they don’t require chewing and can be gulped down as is.

5. Flip the shell

Once you’ve finished enjoying your oyster, you can place the shell face-down on the ice or platter it was served from. You may also place it face-down on a plate you’ve dedicated for shells.

FAQs about eating oysters

Eating oysters is easy, but it’s normal to have questions if you’ve never tasted them before. Here are some of the most frequently asked questions about learning how to eat oysters.

What do oysters taste like?

“The way an oyster tastes varies depending on species,” says Jasmine Norton, chef and owner of The Urban Oyster in Baltimore. “Some are more salty than others, depending on the region where they are sourced.” While every oyster has its own unique flavor profile reflective of the waters it’s grown in, they can all be described as briny with a light sweetness.

Do you chew oysters?

“Pending the preparation and size of the oyster, you can chew or swallow whole,” says Norton. “For example, I would chew a grilled oyster, but swallow a raw one. If I am chewing, my rule of thumb is no more than two chews.”

Are oysters alive when you eat them?

If you’re eating freshly shucked oysters on the half shell, the answer is yes. “Oysters should be eaten the day they are shucked, which means they are still alive. Alive means fresh,” says Norton.

How do you prepare fresh oysters to eat?

If you’re enjoying your oysters at home, you’ll need to shuck them yourself right before eating them. Shucking oysters requires special equipment and a good amount of skilland it can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. If you’re insistent on doing it yourself, buy an oyster shucking set that includes an oyster knife and protective gloves, and be sure to watch an instructional video to learn precisely how to do it.

Should you drain oysters before eating?

“No, definitely not!” exclaims Norton. “This is where all the good salty flavor comes from.” If you’re cooking with oysters, reserve the oyster liquor and add it to your dish. If eating them raw, slurp the liquor along with the oyster meat.

How do you know if an oyster is fresh?

It’s easy to tell whether an oyster is fresh. “Oysters are very telling when they’re not fresh,” Norton says. “The smell radiates! When you know, you know.”

About the expert

• Jasmine Norton is the chef and owner of The Urban Oyster. It is one of the first Black- and women-owned oyster bars in the United States. Norton was named one of the 25 “Women to Watch” by the Baltimore Sun, has competed on Food Network’s Guy’s Grocery Games and Chopped and has been featured on the Cooking Channel.

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